There are certain holidays that, whether they're even remotely culturally significant to you or not, seem to be upheld by capitalism and the food and beverage industry just so that revelers of all sorts can get utterly wasted. St. Patrick’s Day, Mardi Gras, Cinco de Mayo, that day before Thanksgiving that supposedly is the biggest drinking day of the year in the US. Binge drinking is no laughing matter, kids—there are over 88,000 alcohol-related deaths yearly, according to the NIH. So be smart. Drink water. Pace yourselves. Call a freaking cab! And for the love of god, remember to eat something!!! Here are some of our best starchy, greasy, cheesy recipes that are super easy to make in preparation for a night of debauchery, or as a liquor mop after one. Drink responsibly, kids.
Pasta is always a good choice to ward off the potential ill-effects of too much drinking. But cheesy, peppery baked “kugel,” from Lilia chef Missy Robbins, makes preparing for a wild night feel almost wholesome.
A foolproof option of noodles for slurping up while you’re sloppy-drunk: spaghetti and meatballs. Matty Matheson will show you the way.
This is the kind of sandwich you make extra large so you can eat half before you hit the bar, and the other half when you get back. Strategize!
Pro move: make the beer and cheese mix before you go out, so whether you find yourself hungry late at night or groggy the next morning, all you’ll have to do is spread it on toast and pop it into the oven.
Oh, you thought you had leftover Chinese takeout in the fridge for when you got home from the bar after like eight shots of Jameson? Whoops. Good thing these potatoes are super easy to make and only call for a handful of ingredients you’re likely to have floating around, anyway. Night saved.
This fancy version of ultra-cheesy mashed potatoes requires some dexterity in operating a potato ricer, so this is maybe one to make before you hit the bar. Drunk you will thank you later.
There are few things easier to whip together in the kitchen than a grilled cheese, so if you think when you get home you might be feeling a little iffy, make sure you have these ingredients on hand.
When you’re feeding a crowd that went just as hard as you did, bake a tray of cheesy turkey sliders and watch the hungover hordes descend.
Rumor has it that hangovers flee at the sight of this sandwich. And that if you make this, the soft voice of Texas chef Rico Torres will come to you reminding you to drink a Gatorade and not to text your ex. Could just be urban legend, but we’re believers.
You can watch Nonna Marijuana make this with a weed compound butter over on Bong Appetit, but if you’re planning on making this as a liquor mop, we suggest using good ol’ regular butter. No one needs to be cross-faded while the stove’s on.
The fixings of your favorite breakfast sandwich, but soaked in butter and cream. You might want to take a nap after, but it’s okay—your drunk ass needs it.
Easily one of the messiest sandwiches in the world is just the thing you should try to eat when you’re already sloppy drunk. Definitely in the privacy of your home, with a bib on stand-by.
It is never wrong to combine two of your favorite bar snacks. Especially when you’ve just gotten home from the, erm, bar.
You’re an adult; eat dessert for breakfast. If all the sugar in this one doesn’t perk you up, then the coffee sauce drizzled on top sure as hell will.
Again, we say: combining drunk foods makes the whole greater than the sum of its parts.
Avocado, bacon, relish, cheddar, and a fried egg—you might want to skip the drinking altogether and just go straight for this burger.
A certain fast food fried chicken chain is closed on Sundays because they like to virtue signal or whatever. So all you heathens can make this come Sunday morning when you’re really feeling the effects of last night.
Stromboli is basically pizza, but with an extra layer of dough—and it’ll soak up that booze for sure. We like spicy sausage, but use any of your favorite pizza toppings here.
Greek pizza, so named because of its method of preparation, not its feta-and-olive heavy toppings, is, by most accounts, universally terrible. But after enough drinks, this MUNCHIES Test Kitchen-approved version will get the job done.
Who better to help you overcome a bout of excessive drinking than our intrepid host of The Hangover Show, Cara Nicoletti? Keep a batch of these babies frozen for any time you’re experiencing a state of drunk-food emergency.
For when the whole crew goes too hard, Frank Pinello from The Pizza Show will help you all sober up.
Good ol’ Cara Nicoletti, coming to your rescue yet again with a concoction that really is only acceptable to eat after consuming significant quantities of alcohol.
A little crunchier than your every day pork fried rice, plus a little more kick. Be careful not to let the rice get too dry before you fry it, though! As chef Anthony Rose says, “If you do, you may crack a tooth after it's fried… That would be bad, and not so special.”
Delicious, salty, starchy magic wands that will make your head stop spinning and ward off any impending hangover. Who knew you were a witch?
Sometimes you need a kick to the sinuses to clear your head out of its drunken fog. Let the spice from this kung pao chicken burn the sin from your soul.