A Theory: Theresa May Is Britain's First Crisis Actor Prime Minister

The gaff’s blown. On Monday night, an ITV reporter happened to be in a Brussels hotel bar, when he noticed the British Prime Minister’s key civil servant, EU negotiator, and general henchman, Olly Robbins, on the other side of the room.

As people who have had a few jars tend to, Robbins was banging on about how big and important his big and important job was. Then, as people who’ve had a few jars tend to, he blabbed crucial state secrets within earshot of anyone in for a warm Grolsch and some urine-soaked peanuts that evening.

What he revealed was that the PM’s people are expecting for Brexit to be delayed, something which they have always insisted is not going to happen.

From ITV:

But why would they say one thing in public and another in private?

ITV again:

This is a bombshell insight. Previously, the Prime Minister had been seen as a sort of well-meaning android, like a sentient MS Word paperclip given control of diplomacy: “It looks like you’re trying to unravel 45 years of legal and economic co-operation?”.

But that’s not true at all, is it? No. We’ve all just been pawns in her game. She was only pretending all along in order to scare people into accepting her deal. In fact, Robbins’ remarks paint a far more devious picture – one of a masterful, Machiavellian swine, real nasty piece of work, guv. Turns out the conspiracy theories are right – on both sides.

So maybe it’s time to look back on key events of recent months, reinterpreted through the revelation that they were actually slickly-acted scenes in a grander piece of theatre, rather than just the vague bumbling-forwards of a cartel of numbskulls. Which they aren’t.

When: Wednesday the 5th of February Where: Downing Street, London

WHAT YOU SAW
The flailing, failed half-PM has had to reach out to her political enemies in order to try to find a parliamentary majority for a deal, because that is the only way left open to her. So she sits down to talks with Jeremy Corbyn, and, in the ultimate indignity, the Lib Dems.

WHAT WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Solitaire. May spent most of that week playing solitaire in Number 10, as she ran down the clock on the meetings, which were always just window dressing anyway, given that she knew she’d be getting her plan though in late March. Doodles she did during these meetings instead of taking notes have surfaced online. They include a picture of a skull, a lightning bolt, a heart with a pair of wings, two kittens cuddling, a peace sign, a jizzing cock, and a photorealistic “Sir Vince Cable at the Battle of Culloden”.

Date: Wednesday the 16th of January. Place: Parliament, London

WHAT YOU SAW
Still-flailing Prime Minister May attempts to save her unpopular Draft Agreement by cosying up to anyone who will listen. She even gives irrelevant backbencher John Hayes a knighthood to win his vote – yet still sustains the greatest Parliamentary loss of modern times – 202 to 432. The strain is etched across her brow.

WHAT WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She was pretending that she was panicking, dummy. A quick review of the tapes clearly shows that the strain was etched on with a good lipliner. Sure, she gave out a few knighthoods to throw them off the scent. But think about it for just one second – would you let yourself go down to the biggest defeat in a century if you weren’t holding all the aces?

Date: Monday the 12th of February Place: Brussels

WHAT YOU SAW
Having been humiliated yet again, only a week earlier, told by Parliament she needs to renegotiate the Backstop, May returns to Brussels for fresh talks about stale subjects with the EU and the Irish PM. Neither is prepared to give her anything. So she again slopes off home, with little more to show for it than a few nice lunches.

WHAT WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The talks are a cover for May’s diplomatic team to harvest organs from 50 children at a Belgian hospital. The organs are scooped out wholesale from the thorax cavity by British secret service, and brought back inside ministerial red boxes on the Eurostar. In the post-talks press conference, May signals to her CIA paymasters whether she has harvested sufficient juvenile kidney stem cells by wearing her Frida Kahlo bracelet for “yes” or a plain bronze one for “no”.

Date: Wednesday the 12th of December Place: Parliament, London

WHAT YOU SAW
After coming back from Brussels with an unpopular deal, increasingly sad desperate loser Theresa May is stabbed in the front by her MPs after 48 of them submit letters of no confidence, with Jacob Rees-Mogg leading the charge. The vote takes place at 6PM the same day. She wins, by an uninspiring margin of 83.

WHAT WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
“Jacob Rees-Mogg” is a Portuguese method actor resting between telenovelas – real name Joao Ricardo de Mogue. Notice the way he often checks his earpiece during live TV interviews. Notice too how he occasionally accidentally says a word that doesn’t actually exist, like “wainscoting” or “popinjay” – a clear tell that English is not his mother tongue. Also, it seems his only prior contact with British culture was repeat viewing of a single VHS of Mary Poppins. De Mogue has been employed as internal opposition in order to split the real internal opposition down the middle, his fake challenge prevented another, real challenge from taking place within 12 months, thereby sealing the exit doors on May’s Draft Agreement.

@gavhaynes