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PUB NOTES

What's Gone on This Week: A Rogue Man Redraws the England-Wales Border

And he can get fucked.
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by NEO
The boundary between Wales (Powys or Radnorshire) and England (Shropshire)

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @MULLET_FAN NEO – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

TORIES PONDER IF HEALTH IS OVERRATED

WHENEVER I USED TO FIND MYSELF IN THE LOCAL BATHS WITH MY ESOPHAGUS CORRODING, SKIN SO BLOTCHY A LIFE GUARD WANTED TO CALL THE CREMATORIUM AND MY EYES SO BLOODSHOT I MAY WELL HAVE DONE A SHOT OF AFTERSHOCK THROUGH MY TEAR DUCTS, I CAN’T SAY I’VE EVER THOUGHT: “WOW, I WISH MY FOOD WAS DIPPED IN THIS ABSOLUTE TOXIC SOUP” BUT SOMEHOW, THE REALITY OF SWIMMING POOL-FLAVOURED CHICKEN BREAST COULD BE COMING TO THE UK VERY SOON.

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ACCORDING TO REPORTS, DONALD TRUMP’S ADMINISTRATION WILL INSIST THAT THE BAN ON THE IMPORTS OF SUCH THINGS AS CHLORINATED CHICKEN, HORMONE-INJECTED BEEF AND GENETICALLY MODIFIED PLANTS BE LIFTED IF THERE’S TO BE A US-UK BREXIT TRADE DEAL.

WOODY JOHNSON, ONE OF THE US’ MOST SENIOR DIPLOMATS, SAYS FEARS OVER US FOOD STANDARDS LEADING TO LOWER QUALITY FOOD WERE “MYTHS” AND PART OF A “SMEAR CAMPAIGN." MICHAEL GOVE HAS PLEDGED THAT FOOD STANDARDS WILL BE THE SAME IF NOT “BETTER” AFTER THE UK LEAVES THE EU, WHILE TRADE SECRETARY LIAM FOX HAS GONE A STEP FURTHER AND ACTIVELY DEFENDED THE CHLORINE CHICKEN.

WITH THE UK’S VULNERABILITY EVIDENT UPON LEAVING THE EU, THE SOIL ASSOCIATION HAS RAISED CONCERNS OVER THE COSTS OF A POST-BREXIT TRADE DEAL WITH THE US.

“UK PUBLIC HEALTH AND WILDLIFE COULD BE NEGATIVELY AFFECTED IF OUR FOOD AND FARMING STANDARDS ARE SACRIFICED IN PURSUIT OF A US TRADE DEAL,” SAID ROB PERCIVAL, THE ORGANISATION’S HEAD OF POLICY.

THE SOIL ASSOCIATION HAS REPORTED A WIDE RANGE OF ISSUES, SUCH AS HOW THE USE OF ANTIBIOTICS PER ANIMAL IN US FARMING IS “FIVE TIMES HIGHER THAN IN THE UK,” ON AVERAGE. THIS IS DESPITE ANTIBIOTIC RESISTANCE BEING ONE OF THE MOST OMINOUS THREATS FACING THE WORLD, WHO CLASSES 13 ANTIBIOTICS STILL USED IN US FARMING AS "CRITICALLY IMPORTANT" TO HUMAN MEDICINE.

OTHER COMMON PRACTICES SUCH AS THE USE OF BEE-HARMING PESTICIDES LIKE NEONICOTINOIDS, AS WELL AS RACTOPAMINE IN SWINE – A GROWTH HORMONE SO STRONG IT CRIPPLES PIGS IN THE DAYS LEADING UP TO THEIR SLAUGHTER. IT'S BANNED BY THE EU, CHINA, RUSSIA AND ALMOST 160 OTHER COUNTRIES, AND LEAVES MANY CAMPAIGNERS CONCERNED THAT FOOD STANDARDS AND ENVIRONMENTAL SAFETY COULD BE JETTISONED IN A SCRAMBLE TO STRIKE A US TRADE DEAL POST-BREXIT.

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THIS POTENTIAL INFLUX OF CHEAPER IMPORT MEATS WHICH DON’T MEET THE CURRENT EU STANDARDS WOULD NO DOUBT ALSO PUT UK FOOD PRODUCERS AT A DISADVANTAGE. A LIST OF TERRIFYING NEGOTIATING OBJECTIVES AS OUTLINED BY TRUMP’S ADMINISTRATION REVEAL THE US WOULD DEMAND THE NHS ALLOW US DRUG COMPANIES ACCESS INTO THE NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE, ENDING NHS CONTROLS ON MEDICINE COSTS IN FAVOUR OF US-STYLE DIRECT-MARKETING OF DRUGS.

I CAN JUST IMAGINE IT, WE’RE BIMONTHLY SPEWING OUR RINGS UP BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN POISONED ONCE AGAIN BY SOME MINCE INFUSED IN BULL CUM TESTOSTERONE AND SOME CUNT WILL BE ABLE TO CHARGE US A MONTH’S RENT FOR DIORALYTE. THIS IS A TORY'S DREAM.

MONOGLOT AND PROUD

ACCORDING TO THE NEWS THIS WEEK, HALF OF SIXTH FORMS IN SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES HAVE BEEN FORCED TO DROP A-LEVELS IN MODERN LANGUAGES AS A RESULT OF “TOTALLY INADEQUATE” FUNDING. THE SURVEY BY THE SIXTH FORM COLLEGES ASSOCIATION WAS CONDUCTED AFTER CONCERNS WERE RAISED ABOUT DECLINING LANGUAGE SKILLS IN STATE SCHOOLS. THE SCHOOL AND COLLEGE LEADERS SAY FUNDING CUTS COUPLED WITH COST INCREASES IN POST-16 EDUCATION MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO PUT ON COURSES FOR SMALL NUMBERS OF STUDENTS. THE SFCA SAYS THE SURVEY EXPOSES THE DAMAGING IMPACT OF FUNDING CUTS ON SIXTH FORM EDUCATION, WHICH IS ONE OF THE HARDEST HIT AREAS IN EDUCATION.

SINCE THE TORIES TOOK POWER, RESEARCH FROM THE INSTITUTE FOR FISCAL STUDIES FOUND THAT IN REAL TERMS GOVERNMENT SPENDING PER STUDENT IN SCHOOL SIXTH FORMS FELL BY MORE THAN 20 PERCENT BETWEEN IN 2010 TO 2011 AND 2017 TO 2018.

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THIS DEARTH OF FUNDING HAS EVEN RESULTED IN HIGHLY-RATED COURSES IN SCIENCE, TECHNOLOGY, ENGINEERING AND MATHS SUFFERING, WITH MORE THAN A THIRD OF THOSE SURVEYED HAVING DROPPED STEM COURSES FOR THE SAME REASONS.

GEOFF BARTON, THE GENERAL SECRETARY OF THE ASSOCIATION OF SCHOOL AND COLLEGE LEADERS SAID: “GOVERNMENT FUNDING FOR 16 TO 18 EDUCATION IS SET AT A-LEVEL WHICH IS TOTALLY INADEQUATE. THE GRIM REALITY IS THAT THIS POLICY DECISION IS RESTRICTING THE OPTIONS AND SUPPORT AVAILABLE TO YOUNG PEOPLE IN THE STATE SECTOR AND IT IS IMPEDING EFFORTS TO IMPROVE SOCIAL MOBILITY."

THE CONSCIOUS UNDERFUNDING OF STATE SCHOOLS WILL ONLY FURTHER DEEPEN INEQUALITY BETWEEN THE POOREST AND RICHEST IN SOCIETY AND WILL FURTHER EXCLUDE THE WORST OFF FROM COMPETING FOR THE MOST AFFLUENT JOBS IN THIS GLOBAL ECONOMY. AND AS IF THE CHASM BETWEEN THE OPPORTUNITIES AFFORDED TO STUDENTS OF PUBLIC AND PRIVATE SCHOOLS WASN’T FUCKING COLOSSAL ENOUGH, FOREIGN LANGUAGES ARE NOW BECOMING THE SOLE PRESERVE OF PRIVATE SCHOOL PUPILS.

I STILL GET A PANG OF EMBARRASSMENT WHEN I’M ON HOLIDAY AND SOME EURO GUY IS APOLOGISING FOR HIS ASTONISHINGLY GOOD “POOR ENGLISH” AS I STILL STRUGGLE DAILY TO CORRECT SPELL “GENUINELY” AFTER TWENTY-SOMETHING YEARS.

THE BRITISH ESTABLISHMENT SEEMS TO BE DOING A FINE JOB OF ISOLATING THE UK FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD. IT SEEMS LIKE SOCIAL MOBILITY WILL ONLY BE AFFORDED TO THE WELL OFF AND POSSIBLY SOME OF THOSE YOUTUBERS WHO CAN CONTOUR THEIR MAKEUP TO LOOK LIKE JACK SPARROW OR SOME MOUNTAIN DEW SWIGGING CUNT WHO’S REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT FORTNITE.

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OTHERWISE, NEVER FUCKING LEAVE, ONLY SPEAK ONE LANGUAGE, AND EAT YOUR BLEACHED CHICKEN. CUNT.

ENGLAND COULD “RECLAIM” MORE OF WALES

THIS WEEK A MOUNTAIN SURVEYOR HAS SAID THE BORDER BETWEEN ENGLAND AND WALES HAS BEEN INCORRECTLY MARKED FOR MORE THAN A CENTURY AND ENGLAND SHOULD BE GIVEN MORE LAND. THE MAN IN QUESTION, MYRDDYN PHILLIPS, SAYS THE LINE BETWEEN THE TWO COUNTRIES IN THE BLACK MOUNTAINS HAS BEEN WRONGLY TRACED ON ORDNANCE SURVEY MAPS DATING BACK TO 1887.

THE EXISTING BORDER FOLLOWS THE NATURAL WATERSHED FROM THE SUMMIT OF TWYN LLECH. THE MAN HIS AND FELLOW SURVEYOR MARK TRENGROVE REMEASURED THE SUMMIT OF THE 2,306-FT MOUNTAIN AND FOUND IT TO BE FARTHER WEST THAN WAS THOUGHT. THEY PLACED THE PEAK OF TWYN LLECH SOME 39 FT INTO POWYS, CLAIMING THE BORDER SHOULD BE MOVED TO LINE UP WITH THE NEW WATERSHED THEY HAVE CALCULATED. SINCE THE RIDGE STRETCHES FOR NINE MILES, THAT WOULD MEAN THERE IS 1.8 MILLION SQ FT OF LAND THAT ENGLAND IS ENTITLED TO “TAKE BACK FROM WALES”, ACCORDING TO REPORTS. I’D USUALLY SAY DAFT CUNTS LIKE THIS SHOULD GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, BUT IN THIS CASE THEY SHOULD STAY IN MORE OFTEN.

ENGLAND, FAMOUSLY OBSESSED WITH THE BORDERS OF OTHER COUNTRIES, WOULD PROBABLY DO WELL TO IGNORE THESE SUPPOSED FINDINGS. IF ANY CUNT IS GOING TO QUESTION THE LEGITIMACY OF THE ENGLAND-WALES BORDER, MAYBE THEY CAN START WITH THAT GOUT-RIDDEN CRYSTAL-KNEED CUNT HENRY VIII, WHO HAPPENED TO DECIDE ONE DAY IN 1536 THAT LOTS OF WALES WAS IN FACT ENGLISH, AND ANNEXED THE WELSH MARCHES INTO ENGLAND WITH HIS GREASY SAUSAGE FINGERS AND A QUILL. THERE WILL CLEARLY NEVER BE A DISCUSSION MADE ABOUT WALES HAVING CHESHIRE, SHROPSHIRE, HEREFORDSHIRE, WORCESTERSHIRE AND GLOUCESTERSHIRE BACK AS REPARATIONS, BUT IF THERE WAS ONE, SPEAKING ON BEHALF OF WALES, I’D BEG YOU NOT TO GIVE US BACK CHESHIRE AND WE’LL CALL IT QUITS.

IF THAT POINDEXTER MOUNTAIN SURVEYOR HAS A PROBLEM WITH THE CURRENT BORDER, SOMEONE NEEDS TELL THE CUNT TO GO CHART THE ORIGINAL BOUNDARY LINE OF WALES, THE FUCKING WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER. FOR ONCE IN OUR HISTORY, JUST LEAVE WALES ALONE YOU MEDDLING DICKHEADS.

@MULLET_FAN_NEO