Last Friday, your great aunt wasn’t the only person who was excited about the newest issue of InTouch Weekly. The tabloid that you thumb through while you wait to pay for your Abreva finally published its long-shelved interview with Stormy Daniels, the porn star who alleges that she had an affair with Donald Trump. (“I Can Describe His Junk Perfectly,” the headline read, just in case it hasn’t haunted all of your thoughts since then).
Daniels spoke candidly of her alleged relationship with Trump, sharing details about the actual intercourse (“Textbook generic”), about his suave, sophisticated interactions (“Your nose is like a beet,” he said) and about his complicated relationship with sharks. (He made her watch the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week, while wishing that all the sharks would die).
What Trump didn’t do during their encounter was order a pizza topped with a number of smaller pizzas, nor did he look at Daniels and say “I’m going to f*** you so hard, your p**** will feel like it just ate a pizza with tiny pizzas at the topping.” Writer and comedian Justin “Shit My Dad Says” Halpern tweeted a doctored passage from InTouch in which he’d added the pizza-topped-pizza text and, because we are in History’s Dumbest Era, people believed it.
If you think you’re having a shit day at work, imagine being the person at Snopes who had to debunk this. (And imagine having to debunk it without just screaming “DID WE LEARN NOTHING FROM THE FUCKING GORILLA CHANNEL?” into your own cupped hands). “In the real transcript, Daniels says she doesn’t remember what Trump ordered for dinner,” Snopes harrumphs.
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The one good thing that came from this interview—other than an increase in donations to shark-related charities—is that a pizzeria in Lawrence, Kansas was inspired enough by fake Trump singing about fake pizza to make it a reality. On Tuesday, it posted a picture of its tiny pizza-topped pizza on Twitter, with an Inception-ish “dream within a dream within a dream” reference. (Brooklyn-based Vinnie's Pizzeria first popularized the pizza-on-a-pizza concept in 2015.)
Although Halpern’s scenario never happened, the President does love pizza—but he might not understand it. Trump has a long, well-documented history of eating pizza with a knife and fork. “This way you can take the top of the pizza off so you’re not just eating the crust,” he explained in 2011. “I like to not eat the crust so we can keep the weight down at least as good as possible.” (Um, OK.)
And, in 1995, Pizza Hut featured Trump and his ex-wife, Ivana, while introducing its new Stuffed Crust pizza. In the pie’s television debut, Donald and Ivana looked longingly at each other while acknowledging that, while it was wrong, it still “felt so right.” They weren’t talking about reconciliation, just about eating their pizza crust-first. (HA! THE JOKE IS ON US, THE GULLIBLE CONSUMER!) “Crust first,” the future president said, taking a bite out of the pizza’s butt.
By the end of the spot, Trump stopped Ivana from grabbing the last slice, telling her that she was “only entitled to half.” If Stormy Daniels’ stories are true, Melania might be thinking about which half of the pizza she’d like, too.