Hey, here's a #LifeHack for you: if you're about to rob your local Dunkin' Donuts, you may want to wait until the cops are off the premises. Stephen M. White, a 51-year-old Boston man, was allegedly so psyched to hold up a Dunks that he barely waited for a Boston police officer to carry a cup of coffee out the door before he demanded all the cash from the register.
After White demanded money, one of the Dunkin workers ran out the door, told the cop "He's robbing us! He's robbing us!"
This story has such a predictable ending that it could've been written by one of the lesser Wahlbergs. "The officer instinctively sprang into action (so quickly and with such abandon, in fact, that he dropped the coffee on the ground!) and responded to the front entrance," the Boston Police Department enthusiastically wrote. "The officer took up a tactical position and maintained a visual on the suspect as the suspect picked up a brown paper bag and headed to the exit. The suspect walked out the door only to be greeted by the officer as he emerged from the doorway."
The officer found several hundred of Dunkin's dollars inside the paper bag and swiftly arrested White, charging him with unarmed robbery and threats to do bodily harm.
Actually, the best #LifeHack might be to rob a different donut shop entirely. Just a week earlier, a pair of Dunkin Donuts employees in Concord, New Hampshire fought off a would-be robber with a large spatula and a wooden chair. The assailant—identified as Jason Bouchard—entered the shop, ordered a Boston Cream donut, then pulled a knife and ordered Stephanie Matheson and her coworker to give him their fuckin' money. Matheson wasn't intimidated by his "puny" knife. She pulled out her spatula and her attitude, so Bouchard took his donut and ran. "He stumbled out the door," Matheson told the Concord Monitor.
Both Matheson and her coworker (who declined to tell the paper his name) have served time in prison and are protective of their workplace and the second chance that it gives them. "He picked the wrong Dunkin' Donuts," Matheson's coworker said.
Every Dunkin Donuts kind of sounds like the wrong Dunkin Donuts, if you're a robber.