Greetings, human party animal consisting of hopes, dreams, and billion-year-old stardust (and let's be honest, another kind of more expensive dust, too).
Have you been wondering what sorts of nightlife misadventures are in store for you this month? Worried that someone will find out your oversized black t-shirt is from H&M's sale rack, not Rick Owens? Curious if you'll finally meet a sexy leather daddy at Berghain's Klubnacht night, only for him to see the Gareth Emery tattoo on your left asscheek?
Well look no further, hedonistic child of the night—the universe guided you to the right place.
I'm Austin Gebbia, also known as Dear Morni. In addition to mocking DJs and their indescribable ways on social media, I recently discovered a new talent: using your birthday, some random-ass star constellations, and unexplainable mercury shit to predict the future of your clubbing life, including what festival you'll impulsively book a flight to next, and which talent agent you'll have a one-night stand with in Barcelona.
Yup, that's right: I'm a goddamn rave astrologer now. "Clubbing Horoscopes" will open your third eye, give you valuable insight into your nightlife horizons, and help you temporarily forget that everyone—from you to your favorite DJ to that one hula-hooper at every Damian Lazarus afterparty—are on a giant, decaying rock careening towards death in the middle of outer space.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18):
Your tendency to remain mysterious in your personal life manages to be both a blessing and a curse. As the moon inches closer to the sun's orbit in coming weeks, a captivating lunar energy will peel back your layers like seven-days-deep in Miami wristbands, and force you to divulge your truest self to those around you.
The time is now, Aquarius, to tell your techno friends the truth: you know, about your secret #trancefam and the Above & Beyond tramp stamp tattoo you've been hiding for years.
Pisces (February 19-March 20):
You are a selfless, compassionate human being who doles out sage advice and divinatory wisdom. But at what point, Pisces, do you look inward, reflect, and do what's best for you?
With the summer's June solstice on the horizon, you'll take on your usual role as the "parent" of the group and care for a drunken friend atop a sunny roof. But instead of always being the caretaker, it's time to dip your anxious toes into the kiddie pool of selfishness. When your friend asks whether or not you want the last little bump, you shall skip the, "Oh, no, you can take it!" and oblige.
Aries (March 21-April 19):
Aries, you are exceptionally skilled in improvisation; you always know the quintessential words to say, right off the cusp. Your natural-born spontaneity, sexiness, and adventurous attitude will serve you well in the sweltering hot month of June.
However, your skills shall be put to the test. When you suffer an unexpected nosebleed mid-meeting in a room full of executives on an undisclosed Monday morning, you'll string together words conveyed with such intimidating, strong conviction that everybody will actually believe that you're a chronic sufferer of "seasonal dry nose."
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
As a Taurus, you were born with a one-track mind, and to you, nothing is worse than a quitter. The astral energy projecting itself onto you in June will be an all-encompassing, distorting force, enabling your darkest emotions and causing you to feel like your closest friends are judging your past decisions.
Taurus, if we're being honest here, you've made some mistakes, so your friends aren't entirely unjustified in their jabs. Remember when you used Earth Day as an excuse to post photos of you swinging off the Robot Heart bus at Burning Man to Instagram? You fucked up. But rest assured, Tauri: the infinite Universe and its twinkling, dead stars always forgive.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
It's your month, baby! Jupiter's forward motion means an uplifting change in your behavior, Gemini. As an expressive, social, and vivacious creature, you'll be soaring on cloud nine this month—parties, boats, and glitzy museums (you don't even like art) galore.
Make sure, though, to set aside time for decompression and necessary rest, because messiness and debauchery are in the cards. If this is your birthday month, be wary of odd temptations, such as taking five shots of Don Julio back-to-back with strangers and storming the DJ booth, begging security to let you charge your destroyed iPhone 5C.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Cancer, you are innately a sentimental character who thrives on rehashing old times and distant memories with your closest pals. Speaking of which, remember the good ol' days when your liver wasn't failing and you had aspirations beyond being a touring, sleep-deprived disc jockey?
I hate to say it, Cancer, but June will not provide much time to rehearse Traktor, attempt beat matching, or dispense allotted hours to rummage through crates at the record store. But be optimistic—the divine, bright stars have been dead for billions of years, much like your DJ career!
Leo (July 23-August 22):
With the planetary positions aligning in your everlasting favor, it's time to be who you want to be: a basic individual who thrives at blacking out under the scorching sun during EDM brunch at Marquee's dayclub in Las Vegas.
Adam Beyer's monotonous bass lines bore you to death, and it's obvious to those on Twitter who you feign interest to. Berghain is the last place you'd ever visit in Berlin, and guess what? That's OK, Leo! You're too colorful to wear all black, anyway. Your aura is a scattered hue; the color code #000000 is a foreign entity to you. June is your month of self-acceptance—revel in it and be you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22):
As one of the most careful signs of the zodiac, you love and cherish your family more than anything. Your siblings and your parents are placed on an untouchable pedestal, and the world knows it.
With an Einstein-like brain akin to yours, you could've been a heart surgeon, a lawyer, a United Nations official… But alas, the universe is full of unexplainable voids, and your inclination to became a savage club promoter who spends their days tagging strangers in event flyers on Facebook is concerning.
It might be best for you to take a day or two off, do some sun salutations, align your bewildered chakras, and reconsider your career goals.
Libra (September 23-October 22):
A solid and unperturbed first half of June is probable, but a tumultuous journey may lie ahead. Libra, your incessant forgetfulness has always been a downfall of yours, and it'll only worsen due to Jupiter being in retrograde until mid-month.
Showing up to work with unwashed club stamps on your wrist and accidentally leaving your headphones on your kitchen countertop before the workday will become the unfortunate norm.
This, combined with other self-inflicted mishaps, will make it seem like the world is crashing down on you. But you mustn't get discouraged, Libra, because life could always be so much worse: you could've been born Armin van Buuren.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21):
Take the good with the bad this month, Scorpio, for you will experience sprinklings of both throughout. The lunar beams will bestow some unexpected wealth upon you, so toss those drink tickets you found at the bottom of your jacket pocket in the trash and treat yo'self.
Venus and the moon will join forces this month, meaning bursts of serotonin and joy (completely unrelated to last month's ecstasy intake in Detroit) will be prevalent.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21):
Sag, you're exuberant and bold, which can be easily misconstrued as overwhelming and cocky. The highly attractive agent you finagled with at Movement is ignoring your WhatsApp messages, and for good reason.
Mercury is emboldened this month due to the strength of the dark moon, which can impair your already filterless mouth—you wouldn't stop blabbing about the Day Zero party at BPM this year, and about how hearing "Shamanic house" for the first time altered your views on dance music.
It's best to dial it down, Sag, as the only people who actually care about these tidbits of knowledge are the degenerates in the club too doped up to even know what you're yapping in their ears about.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19):
Your planet ruler, Saturn, will hover over your presence for the next thirty days. In the early weeks of June, you'll be your usual Capricorn self: outrageous, gregarious, and the life of the party.
For the start of summer 2017, you need to remind yourself that when things are out of your control, you cannot change them; the universe doesn't allow for that. But what you can do, you daring Capricorn bad boy, is take the reigns on things that are in your control.
For example, the Milky Way permits you to slap the burning incense stick out of that East Village pseudo-hippy guy's hand at the All Day I Dream opener party. And if you're worried about bad karma, don't—constellation Orion will grant you forgiveness at the start of July.
Austin Gebbia is on Twitter