Notes from Aboveground

Just get a can of dulce de leche and some baking soda, mix it up with cream cheese, cookies, and Hershey's syrup, then fuck that shit in a rubber glove like it's a weird Argentinian birthday party.

Bert Burykill, our anonymous prison correspondent who was recently set free, writes an old buddy in the penitentiary to fill him in on what’s been going on in the real world.

Dear Monroe,

How are things, chap? Rockin’ in the free world is simply smashing, darling. The ale is refreshing and the pussy is even better. Since I got out the clink-clink I’ve bought a dope car, a really nice baby ocelot-fur scarf, and two adorable puppy dogs—a pair of twin bichon frises I named Dick Sparkles and Mudbone. The three of us trouncing around town together is a real terror. I’ll send pictures.

I’ve been the recipient of exactly 57 blowjobs in four weeks, and about half of them caused the Earth to prostrate before my balls and succumb to a thunderous ballshower. Of the 43,200 minutes I’ve been free from the vice-like grip of Justice’s reacharound, my face has been pleasantly swaddled by a woman’s wet, slimy vagina for approximately 10,200 minutes, which makes me one serious pussy-lickin prick.

It’s funny. I just went to a baby shower last weekend, and I tell you the place was crawling with hungry-ass big-butt freaks everywhere. I tried to hook you up with one of ‘em (the fattest, ugliest one, obviously), but she said she could never correspond intimately with a man without knowing what he looks like, so I guess you need to send me another click click. I can update your profile at goodprisoner.com so all the dumb bitches flock to that convict dick. I was just writing some slag named Precious I looked up on Prisonpenpals.com. She’s from California and I’m pretty sure I’ll throw it in her someday. Speaking of which, I did some measurements.

I’ve gained 15 pounds since last month, because I went on an all-beef diet for 30 days, plus went to the gym like crazy. My metabolism is finally as slow as molasses. My chest went from 42 to 43.5 inches, my arms ballooned from 15 to 16 inches (which is particularly awesome, because they’ve been stagnant for so long), and I’ve finally plunged through that plateau shattering my most recent gains. As far as my girth, I don’t really know, but I definitely miss doing Kegel’s everyday all day. Pussy is cooler, though.

My diet has been better than kickass. Every day I eat two pounds of raw grass-fed beef chuck straight out the cow’s ass from Scotia, NY, butchered with love. (MY TESTOSTERONE IS BEYOND BONERDOME!) I supplement the meat with raw oysters every couple hours, a sip of flax oil (organic), two ounces of aloe vera juice (organic), a swallow or apple cider vinegar (organic) three times daily, and a hotshot of PRESRCIBED steroids, which is for my acne, but the aloe vera juice actually deals with the scabs better. Also, I scored some really excellent raw fresh organic bee pollen from an apothecary in Vermont. This funk is THE TRUTH!

My legs and abs are doing great, although you can’t really see the veins on my abdominals anymore, which is a major bummer (TOO MUCH FRUIT!). My glutes and hams have bulked up to help negate the stereotypical prison big-body, skinny-leg syndrome. We both know calves are tough, but mine have expanded from 15 to 16.25 inches, so I’m pretty confident I’m hittin’ them right. Overall, I’m feeling really healthy and drinkin’ a shitload of milk thistle tea (organic). It’s important to bathe the liver thoroughly after naughty visceral nights, which reminds me how recently I was watching porn while chilling with my nookie-creampie girl…

My bonerable broad was over at my crib (my bro’s crib), and we were watching The XXX-Factor freak- freaky ‘n shit on the couch, drinkin’ wine, getting lovely. My baby pulled her boy shorts and panties off and stuck her ass in my face. I nibbled her butt or some dumb shit and got back to watching smut. Then, a little later I was touching her cat and she cocked her ass in my face all feline-like, so I gave her a nice massage. Turned out she was mad at me because I didn’t finger her anus and do the assplow, knowin’ damn well there was no lube handy. I had cotton-mouth, anyway, so spit wouldn’t do, and I didn’t want to destroy that pretty asshole. Anyhow, I wish you could have been there, pal, it was pretty funny how pissed she got that I DIDN’T bless her with a bloody pooper. Women…

So, you still fuckin’ bananas? I was telling some people about that and they had some new ideas about shit you could fuck that would feel like real-life, bonerable pussy. First, try fucking a rubber glove filled with warm pureed porcini mushrooms marinated in baby oil. My friend Sadat does that. He said he learned it while locked up at Bare Hill. Small world, right? This girl I know who actually makes fake pussies and eats them said something about chocolate pudding and cupcakes, so I’m thinking maybe you could get a can of dulce de leche and some baking soda, mix it up with cream cheese, Hershey’s, and cookies, then fuck that shit in a warm rubber glove like it’s a weird Argentinian birthday party.

I sent some pussy books for you and the boys. Of course I put Latin Grannies in there for Macho and Corazon. Porn is pretty much the same out here as in there--I look at it all day and can’t give up the vintage mags. The videos on the computernet don’t give me the same furious wood as the old-school smut rags. I eBayed some 80s porn the other day. Still waiting to get it—I’ll send it your way when I’m done with it. The Little Oral Annie spreads have me pretty psyched.

Well, bro, I’ve got to go and do some important shit. Keep bein’ a beast and stay black and shit. I’ll send some money soon. Kitesender.com, Crackuh!

Your Friend in Confidence,


Previously - Sucking the Government's Teats