Spring is here! Well, imminently here. It's definitely blooming softly on the horizon. At the very least, we've had a few real banger days of heat and sun and the guys who wear shorts too early have begun airing out their calves. An exciting time, to be sure: birds singing, kids playing outside, Mini Eggs hatching in every bodega.
So how are you going to break up with that nice guy or gal you started dating in November and just... do not want to date anymore? You're not the first person to take "cuffing season" too far. Best practice suggests you should start ghosting somewhere around early March and just let nature take its course. Essentially, you should have begun icing them out exactly when the ice started melting. It's perfectly understandable that you haven't gotten around to it—you also haven't quite made it out to get your bike from the bar in Queens you locked it in front of in... October? But don't worry. In the spirit of winter, here are some lazy ways to get rid of that cuffing season cutie so you can really enjoy this rainy spring breakup weather.
Let Them Meet Your Friends
You love them but know they are terrible people. Your winter lover has never met them, of course, because the only other person the two of you have spoken to since January are your co-workers and that one Seamless guy who now knows both your names. Unleash the kraken in the form of your fun-but-mean party friends, making special mention of the fact that in the summer you guys get drunk and tattoo each other in Sarah's backyard.
Use Their Favorite Things Against Them
Pick up some Indian takeout on the way home from work. Bundle your significant other tightly in a sleeping bag and consume between 3 and 5 servings of dhaal, paneer, and naan. Then casually suggest watching a long, slow anime film. When they inevitably fall asleep, roll them slowly out of your home, placing them gently in an Uber. Tip the driver a little extra to deposit your November–March bebe in their own bed. When they wake up and text you, confused, text back: "I think you have the wrong number... sounds like your entire relationship was just one long winter hibernation dream, sorry!"
Reveal Yourself To Be An Active Summer Person
The entire appeal of a winter boyfriend or girlfriend is their willingness to lie in a semi-prone position near you with chips on their face while watching The Wire for hours. If they want to have low impact sex afterwards, so much the better. Throw a wrench in your loved one's vision of you as a soft, pallid HBO-hungry love pillow by adding hikes to your shared iCal (why on earth did you let them share an iCal with you already??), and mentioning casually that you can't wait till your annual mud run this year. Break in a pair of those clip-in bike shoes in front of them. Make them wake up with you a few times to do yoga, because "now that it's warmer I can start doing sun salutations on my roof again!"
Wild Idea: Be Honest
There's a 20-40 percent chance that they were also dating you as a seasonal experiment. Maybe it will be like that scene in You've Got Mail where Greg Kinnear is, like, very relieved that Meg Ryan wants to be a lone reed alone. Or maybe they will just appreciate you telling them in a straightforward manner, having known all along they were punching above their weight due to the cold. Plus, doing the right thing this one time means you can give smug personal advice to your friends for years to come.
Leave This Article Open On Your Computer For Them To Find
If you have followed this advice, you should now be single. Now get back out there and find a disastrous summer fling already! Love is beautiful.