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Identity

Symmetrical Eyeliner and My Other Outlandish Fantasies

I go into a store and try on a pair of pants and nothing about the experience makes me wish I was dead, and I never have to send an email again.

by Monica Heisey
Mar 7 2016, 8:29pm

Image by Goldmund Lukic / Stocksy

- I move to a small town with like 30 friends and a few handsome strangers with whom I have a lot in common. We get along perfectly with the locals and turn the town into a cool, intimate village. Our little community thrives and becomes something of a destination for hip visitors. Everyone has sex with each other but no one gets upset about it. There's a pottery studio and a very nice river. It's a little bit socialist but also a rich, hands-off benefactor pays to keep everything running smoothly.

- A dog wanders up to me on the street. When I lean down to pet him he whispers in English: "We've been talking—all the dogs in the world, I mean—and we've agreed: you're good." He winks and walks away, wagging his tail.

- I go into a store and try on a pair of pants and nothing about the experience makes me wish I was dead.

- My nails start growing one day and never stop. They get so long it takes many hands to paint them. I can press buttons from extremely far away. They are like weapons. I never have to fear walking alone at night again. Plus, they look SO good on Instagram.

- I meet Donald Trump and give him such a nice, empathetic hug that he decides not to run for President. I help him wash the self-tanner off his face and he agrees not to speak in public anymore.

- Everyone who has ever wronged me gathers together to perform a public apology dance set to Justin Bieber's "Sorry" on a sunny day in a beautiful park. As they dance, everyone makes apologetic yet playful eye contact with me, like "Isn't this cheesy?" but there is a sincerity behind it that says "I mean it and I hope we're okay." I forgive them and appreciate the effort, but it's obviously a little embarrassing and they've made themselves look a bit dumb in front of others.

- How I've been doing my eyeliner turns out to be fine.

- A sultry OS like Scarlett Johansson in Her answers all my emails for me and I never have to send another one again. The OS uses the perfect amount of exclamation marks, always knows when to Cc: or Bcc:, and never accidentally signs off "All the vest." Eventually the OS takes over my Twitter as well, and she's extremely funny without ever offending anyone.

- Broad City becomes a real city. I live in it and Abbi and Ilana make me the mayor. Also we compare boobs and everyone gives each other a lot of specific compliments about nipple-to-flesh ratios.

- I get hospitalized for "exhaustion" like a messy celebrity and have to convalesce at one of those old homes with sprawling grounds. While there I befriend an elderly patient who teaches me what's important in life and then dies, leaving me her extensive robe collection.

- Nick Kroll sees me across the room at a party and comes over. "I hope you don't mind my saying so, but I loved you in Carol." He's mistaken me for Rooney Mara. I correct him but pretend not to know who he is. Charmed by my nonchalance, he asks if I want to grab a drink. We head to a bar that is also a froyo place and talk all night. He's so respectful of Amy Poehler and says she'd really like me. As the sun comes up he shyly informs me he's a feeder. We engage in hours of sexual play that also involves a plate of nachos.

- Everything about the world is the same except that it's illegal to bring your baby on an airplane.