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Sports

I'm Very Curious About Markieff Morris's Hoverboard Caddy

What's it like being this guy, anyway?

by Sean Newell
Feb 18 2016, 9:53pm

The Phoenix Suns traded Markieff Morris to the Wizards this afternoon, thus ending a tumultuous relationship between Phoenix and the Morris clan. Markieff and his twin brother, Marcus, both took lesser deals from Phoenix in 2014 under the presumption that they would remain together, as they had for their entire basketball careers since high school. Then the Suns traded Marcus and things went sour between the team and the last Morris standing. At one point Morris demanded a trade and said, "I don't give a fuck. I am not going to be there at all. That's just what it is." It all ended today when the Suns sent him to the Wizards. The final glimpse in Phoenix shows him hovering off into the sunset.

At a certain point, as he glided away, he momentarily lost his balance and de-hoverboarded. He didn't even flinch, he just kept on walking. But no worries, his lackey quickly swooped in to pick up the hoverboard. Imagine being that guy. Imagine being the guy whose job description includes "pick up discarded hoverboard seconds after I have stepped off it." It's hard to decide if this is incredibly sad, a story of wasted youth and talent, or not really that sad at all and actually kind of great.

On the one hand, this is some royal attendant, gofer shit. Feed me grapes. Fluff my pillows. Go get me some coffee. I don't know who this is but he has the frame, and gait, of an athlete past his prime. Whenever that prime was—high school, college, professionally—it doesn't matter, he's got a past and, at least at one time, he had pride. Now, Markieff Morris falls off a hoverboard and just keeps walking because he knows this guy is going to pick it up. He probably doesn't even really care what happens to that hoverboard. He's probably got a hoverboard deal, or something. You are basically picking up his trash before it becomes trash. Where did you go wrong, hoverboard caddy?

On the other hand, fuck, man. That's the life. He doesn't have to do anything, except pick up after some rich guy? And he doesn't even have to wear a tuxedo all the time and speak in a fake British accent. Morris probably pays him pretty well (in cash) and buys him all sorts of cool shit. He likely drives a nicer car than anyone I know, and has nicer clothes, personal accessories, and home furnishings than most. Plus, Morris is famous and he's on the squad, so he gets all of those fun perks of being famous, without having to be the famous one. Where do I sign up?

Anyway, in return for Morris, the Wizards sent Phoenix Kris Humphries, DeJuan Blair, and a protected first-round pick.