Here's What to Expect from 2015 Based on the Past Four Days

Wow! January 4. I never thought I'd make it this far into 2015, but look at me now: I'm writing articles, drinking orange juice, and liking my own Instagrams with all the enthusiasm and voracity of the 2014 version of myself.

If the past four days have taught us anything, it's that we can expect big things from the upcoming year. How big, you ask? Really, really, mind-bogglingly big things. On January 1, the world was gifted with a new Kanye song; on January 2, Bono revealed his biking accident means he may never play the guitar again; yesterday, we got the first meteor shower of the year; today, like the three days before it, will most certainly be a whirlwind of excitement. What can we expect in the world of dance music for the following 361 days based on all this data? Here's what we're predicting:

1: Vladimir Putin will annex dubstep. Addressing a large gathering outside of the Kremlin, Putin will announce that it was time the genre "returned home." Onlookers will cheer hesitantly as makeshift spirit hoods are distributed into the crowd.

2: Three major festivals will be shut down due to cheese-related incidents. Dance music events will quickly become dairy-free zones as city lawmakers crack down on back-alley milkmen.

3: DJs will outnumber non-DJs for the first time ever. DJ booths in all major clubs will be widened to include all but a few square feet of the dancefloor.

Photo via Carnage

4: DJ Carnage's obsession with Chipotle will be uncovered as an elaborate social experiment by the brightest minds at Oxford University.

5: Jai Paul will release an album.

6: Stanton Warriors will formally announce that they are quitting music to focus on their Facebook page.

7: Musicians that use the letter "V" instead of "A" and musicians that remove vowels from their names will realize the errors of their ways. New musical projects will be formed with no letters of any kind. These artists will be identified by a series of beeps and humming noises.

8: Taco Bell will unveil its new streaming music service. Despite being great value, people will have difficulty digesting it. The service will quickly become a "sometimes website."

9: In order to increase efficiency, Twitter will allow DJs to automatically start beef with musicians, once verified.

10: A ground-breaking update to SoundCloud's mobile app will remove all functionality of any kind.

11: Getting a college education and a fulfilling job will become the new posting memes on Instagram at 3am. This will generally be regarded as a good thing.

12: EDC Las Vegas will be moved from the Las Vegas Speedway to a nearby wavepool. Dillon Francis will cancel his performance due to a rumored inability to swim.

13: Aphex Twin will release a full-length studio album exclusively via SnapChat. Appearing in his bedroom with bloodshot eyes and a black Rage Against the Machine hoodie, Richard James' 1521-second Snap Story will alternate between shots of his face and shaky clips of Ableton projects titled "yooooooo," Versions 5 through 9.

14: Extra terrestrials will come to Earth, hear festival trap, promptly leave.

15: The term "techno-house" will become a popular word for new music fans that can't distinguish the difference between techno and house.

16: Kim Jong-Un will announce an end to his dictatorial rule in order to "focus on musical projects and really get these emotions out there." Before explaining to the Sumpreme People's Assembly of North Korea that he is "a product of the Internet," Kim Jong-Un will fumble with an iPod full of "unfinished beats and early sketches" while passing around a battered pair of Beats Studio headphones.

Photo via Wikipedia

17: Readers will lose the ability to comprehend articles that aren't numbered lists.

18: Burial will post-humously dedicate an album to former British prime minister Margaret Thatcher. Debates about the age of post-irony will ensue.

19: All big-room house artists will be forced to perform in space where the laws of physics prevent them from being heard.

20: College kids will learn that, aside from being great dorm wall decorations, vinyl records can be placed on turntables to produce sounds. After several months, the correlation between album name and songs will become apparent.

Ziad Ramley is on Twitter: @ZiadRamley