Games

BLOODRAYNE

Publisher: Terminal Reality

Developer: Majesco

Platform PC

Genre: Vampires/Shooting

Rating: Adult

Maybe it was something to do with the fact that the first masturbation material I ever really had was watching the topless Dracula films from the 60s on ITV at 1.30a.m, but I’ve always had a thing for girls with fangs, plunging necklines and blood dripping down their dresses. Yes, I’m fucking weird like that. Sorry.

Trouble is when you meet someone who you think might be into that blood fetishism, vampire sex shit, they’re always a little too fat or a little too pale or stinky. Especially those Goth self-mutilation types with their patchouli oil and their boots with six inch heels and their bad facial piercings and Buffy DVDs. Can you be any more fucking normal you fucking stereotypes? You don’t really live in a castle and you aren’t an agent of the night and your name isn’t fucking DorkOZ or whatever you stole from your favourite little erotic comic book you fucking idiot. Dude, you’re 29 years old—give it up.

Anyway, this game is all about vampires and even though it’s riddled with all that embarrassing adolescent cliché cringe shit, it’s actually mucho fun-o to playo.

The plot then. You play as Agent Rayne, the product of a secret government project to combine the genes of a vampire and a human in order to produce the perfect killer (with huge tits).

What makes this actually better than your usual vampire shit is that this time you’re pitched up against some pretty dapper-looking Nazi characters and every time you bla-zow one of the dirty Hermans you get to feed on his pure Aryan blood.

Also, the graphics are amazing, with the locations ranging from the Louisiana Bayou to the submarine pens of Germany and, as it says on the press release, “they drip with darkness and fear”.

Being a vampire, Rayne can pull off some very cool moves ( but there’s also a lot of period weaponry at hand including Schmeisser machine pistols and of course—my favourite—the classic Luger.

Also, the body count is immense and it’s one of those rare games like the original Doom that as you hack and blast your victims on after another you find yourself floating into a weirdly peaceful zone. Being surrounded by all that senseless and pointless death, blood and ultra-violence can make you feel really calm and together.

NEIL THOMSON