Why Do Nice Guys Always Finish Last?

Hello, I’m Bertie. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb.

Can you Belieb that Pretty Girl Bullshit is nearly a year old? I know, right? But don't send your cakes and congratulatory WKDs to my office just yet (the address is really not that hard to find, just FYI) because there is still a swamp of bullshit as thick as Brooke Shields' hair to wade through. Case in point: the "nice guy" myth – as in, "nice guys finish last"; as in, "sleep with idiotic, arrogant sociopaths if you want to stand any chance of ever being truly happy".

This feels like one of those stereotypes that for some reason just refuses to die. While I'm sure for lots of women it's completely accurate, for my own sanity and that of nervous teenage boys the world over, it's time to debunk the myth that nice guys never get laid. Before we start, let's eyeball the competition – and oh, look who turned up to the party! Our old friends the Pick-Up Artists:

Meet Kezia Noble, known better as the "World's Leading Female Pick-Up Coach" (so jealous), whose basic aim seems to be to turn every lonely man she comes across into an utter bastard. Clearly, this is bullshit. I'm not saying I possess the wisdom of Plato's shrink, but I'm starting to get to grips with what's good for me, and I know that dating an asshole is about as thrilling as watching The Life of Pi with conjunctivitis in both eyes, or making a movie of Perfume. Which, if you're an asshole and you're having trouble grasping the comparisons, means it's not very thrilling at all.

I don't want to be too harsh, because in the video above, which appears to have been shot at some kind of PUA conference, which sounds like the worst and loneliest place in the world that anyone could ever be, Kezia has a point. In general terms, women are more likely to have experienced bad flirting in the past – if you're a straight guy, chances are you can go the odd weekend without being chatted up by a strange, roaring man at the bus stop with mystery fluids all over his T-shirt and tie combo.

I just don't quite get how those experiences can possibly translate to the ridiculous advice she's doling out. Women are repelled by nice guys? Being the nice guy is rubbish? :-(

Okay, I'm bored of this PUA bullshit, so instead of calling out Kezia and her Pick-Up pals on every single stupid thing they say (it would take years), I'm just going to clear this mess up myself. It's time – *cracks knuckles* – for some serious myth debunking.

EXPLODING THE "NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" MYTH

Myth #1. Girls Like Infedelity

"Take it one step further and send her the very subtle message that you're not very good at being faithful."

PGB's Advice to Boys: Oh baby! You're gonna mess me around? Take my home phone, cell phone, house keys and ring finger, I'm yours! As much as this has somehow filtered through to the mainstream, there really is nothing good about pretending to be a player. Pretending to be anything is no fun for anyone. Nobody wants that. You might think behaving this way will imply you're an Elvis-esque lothario with a heart of gold and a bod that likes to sleep in a different bed every night, but in reality it just screams "never had a girlfriend".

Myth #2. Girls Love It When You're Mean

"The nice guy equals bland, forgettable and replaceable."

PGB's Advice to Boys: And I suppose the positive alternative is, "Ew, I remember that creep." Again, I don't get why anyone would want to meet an asshole in a club, so I don't understand why any of you guys out there would actively pretend to be an asshole in a club. Realistically, girls aren't expecting to go out to a horrible bar that smells like the toilet in their gym, drink a jug of wu-wu (don't hate) and suddenly lock eyes with their future life-partner during a reload of LMFAO anyway. So why ruin everyone's night by embarrassing yourself in front of strangers who you clearly find attractive?

Here's an alternative strategy: if you can't find a girlfriend, book yourself in to do something fun over the weekend – idk, sailing or cycling or learning how to draw, anything which isn't "coming down in your bed because you destroyed yourself unsuccessfully chasing skirt till 5AM, crying sporadically and wishing there was someone in the world who wanted to eat brunch with you".

Myth #3. Girls Want You to Be Kind of Shitty Because We Just Want to FIx You

"We really do like to meet a guy and feel like there are these flaws and we're gonna be the girl, the one, who fixes them up somehow. It might not make a lot of sense to you guys, but this is how women think." PGB's Advice to Boys: Now we're talking, Kezia, now we're elbow-deep in some seriously bullshit stereotypes. How long was it really going to take until we boiled off all that saccharine Pick-Up Artist coating and got down to what this whole system is trying to do? By forcing specific roles onto women, these people are perpetuating the idea that if you scratch the surface of any woman – be she a mother, teenager, lawyer or Katy Perry – they will all bleed the same desperation. If that's the case, then sure, I can see how there might be a foolproof chat-up line, one that cuts through those irksome modern female characteristics that make us different from one another, and slays all women upon contact.

By the time you believe that, you're properly fucked up. Before long, you're this guy, with a fucking quirky topknot, harrassing women in the street and filming it from a distance to prove to other strange men that you've finally "cracked them".

Myth #4. If You're Nice Girls Will Probably Put You in the Friendzone

"If we have a guy who's good to go, plug and play, fantastic, perfect, there's no challenge for us any more."

PGB's Advice to Boys: This one's hilarious. We meet you out somewhere, you try all these weird techniques on us, and then we friendzone you? Not likely. The problem is that Kezia and all the other PUAs are dealing with a group of men who feel somehow demeaned by the idea of being "relegated" to just friends. When did we start undermining the importance of friendship; if you can't lock down some serious besties, then you're probably not ready for any kind of relationship. It's not rocket science, and people with vaginas are not science experiments. The best advice I could possibly give you? CTFO, nice guy, there are worse things in the world than eating brunch on your own.

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes

Catch up on last week's Pretty Girl Bullshit: The Pretty Girl's Swearword Bible 2013