We Watched Women on Motorcycles Eat Hot Dogs Out of the Air

I was hanging out with my Dad and his rowdy motorcycle friends one day, and they told me about a bike rodeo event called a "Hot Dog Pull" where girls grab hot dogs stringed from the sky while on motorcycles. I was unbelievably surprised that such a thing could exist, and they could tell, so they promised to bring me along to see an ol' Dog Pull for myself.

In order to spectate the full pull, we first had to go through a "Poker Run," an event where participants drive from checkpoint to checkpoint and draw a playing card at each stop. We met the next week at 7AM at their clubhouse then caravaned to a tiny Guelph, ON drinking hole with a huge parking lot transfigured into a sea of wrinkles and black leather. As the day went on, and I spent time talking and watching and drinking and being with the bikers, I realized I really liked being with them. They had great stories and loved to party. I also learned pretty quickly that they're a hyper-horny bunch who live by a code of freedom's primal fire expressed through spectacle and desire… or something like that.

After driving through endless cornfields and unmarked roads, we finally made it to the rodeo just as the sun was going down. I felt like I was at a high school bush party. A couple hundred bikers had gathered around a cleared field with a large metal structure in the middle. There was a guy over a speaker-system giving commentary and starting up the games, but there was no evidence that my dad's friends' table talk was really real, until I spotted some guys walking by with a chip-clip attached to a string of rope, a COSTCO sized jar of mayonnaise, and a huge bag of schnieders $1 wieners.

Biker couples began to line up at the end of the field. The game takes two and goes like this: the lady perches on the back seat of the bike while her man drives squarely underneath the structure, slowly, so the girl can take the mayonnaise-dipped sausage into her mouth. There are five typical outcomes from worst to best: 1) The driver drops (tips) the bike from lack of balance thereby publically tarnishing his manhood for eternity, 2) the girl misses the mark entirely, 3) she manages to remove the mayonnaise but the wiener stays clipped 4) she bites a portion of the sausage off and, lastly, 5) the almighty "full pull" whereby she manages to delicately suck-remove the entire sausage from the clip, intact.

I remember thinking the whole thing was wonderful and hilarious and even good vibes, until after the show when I went to ask one of the full pull volunteers (whom I had never met before in my life) a question, and he took his leftover bag of mayo-weiners and threw them at me. I think he genuinely thought that would have pleased me, as if he expected me to try and bite one mid-air like I was a trick dog. Poor guy. Or poor me?