Windsor Can’t Handle How Noisy Detroit Is Because Canadians Are Babies

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Detroit and Windsor, Ontario, are very close to each other. There's just the Detroit River separating them. So sometimes when Detroit hosts music festivals, as it does throughout the summer, residents in Windsor can hear some of the acts. Rather than reveling in free entertainment or putting in some earplugs and going to sleep, though, many Windsor residents have been complaining to their city councillor about the noise.

Councillor Chris Holt, whose ward contains the part of Windsor that abuts the river, received 18 complaints this Monday after the "Ultimate White Party" at Chene Park last weekend. Windsor residents complained when the music was still going between 1:30 and 2:30 AM. Holt requested this week that Windsor's city council draft a letter to Detroit requesting that the American city enforce its noise bylaw during the next beachside event. To be fair to the complainants, the "white party" was held outside the theater, an unusual move at Chene Park, and the speakers may have been pointed at the river and Windsor.

For his part, Holt seems eminently more chill than his constituents. "I have no problems with the music that comes this way, but I have a duty to my constituents," he said. "Because we're so close to Detroit, we tend to enjoy and hear a lot of the music festivals that are going on over there. They're great. I'll be the first to admit I kick up my feet and sit on the front porch and take them in whenever I can."

In 2013, Windsor city councillor Jo-Anne Gignac (who is running for the Conservative Party in the upcoming federal election) wanted the city to be included in Detroit's planning process for riverside events, but after Windsor released a report on the issue it fizzled out.

Ontarians need to band together and ask Windsor to cut the shit, because this is embarrassing as hell. And if Americans' interest is piqued by how uncool Windsor is, they might look further into the province and realize there are 11 PM noise curfews all over the place, liquor stores close at ungodly early hours, and a bunch of cry-babies here can't stand the idea of one of the most innovative and successful modern musicians playing a few shows in the province. We need to stop the bleeding before our boringness becomes global knowledge, if it hasn't already. Maybe we can do a bake sale to buy everyone in Windsor a white noise machine or soundproof their homes.

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