Hanukkah Is for Nerds

Photo courtesy of istockphoto

Hanukkah is the holiday that lasts eight days, involves lighting a lot of candles, and, like most things Jewish, is shrouded in a veil of mystery. To an outsider, it seems pretty alright, since there’s eight days of presents and games and fried foods involved. But we talked to a Jewish person, and apparently we were wrong. It’s boring.

Vice: This year, Hanukkah begins on a Friday. That’s pretty cool, right? Fridays are one of the best days of the week.

A Jewish person:

Not if you’re an Orthodox Jewish kid, it isn’t—because it’s the Sabbath and you can’t do anything fun after sundown. It’s like the most boring night of the week—no TV, no phone, no internet, and a bunch of extra prayers you have to say before and after dinner. Boring! Luckily I liked to read when I was a kid. I’d go to the library every Friday and take out ten books to get me through the weekend. I must have read every young-adult book in the library.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how excited are you about the approaching holiday?

If you mean for Hanukkah specifically, then I don’t know—like, 3? For me, all it entails is a holiday party at my cousins’ place on the Upper West Side where I sit around with a bunch of very old Hungarian Holocaust survivors and stuff my face with pastrami and latkes (potato pancakes). At some point, we light the menorah candles and I pretend to sing along to the prayers. Then my parents give me some grief about my “lifestyle” and eventually fork over some “Hanukkah gelt” (cash). I’m thinking of getting myself an iPhone, so yay.

You mentioned your family’s religious background is in Orthodox Judaism. That seems like a strict way to grow up. Did they ever let loose around Hanukkah?

It’s pretty strict, yes, and Hanukkah isn’t really a “letting loose” kind of holiday. It’s actually pretty underwhelming. Passover seders involve drinking lots of wine, so that can be fun, and Purim is the Jewish equivalent of Halloween, so that’s cool when you’re a kid, but Hanukkah is really overrated.

Why do you think that is? It seems like kind of a tough sell because Hanukkah is an eight-day celebration and also known as the Festival of Lights. On paper, that all sounds like really fun stuff.

It’s just nerdy. Instead of a fantastical fable about a jolly fat man who lives with elves and makes toys, we have a history lesson about a war that took place in the second century BCE. Something about the Maccabees, a Jewish rebel army, who fought to take back the holy temple in Jerusalem from the Greeks. Are you excited yet? Get this: When they won the temple back, they only had enough olive oil to light the temple’s “eternal flame” for one day, but, check it out, it lasted for eight days! Ooooh. Magic oil. You have Santa, we have a lamp.

Did you enjoy Hanukkah as a kid at all? Or have you always been pretty unimpressed by it?

Sure, I enjoyed it. I mean, it was all I knew. When I was young, it was nice to get eight small presents in a week. Then when I got a bit older, I had the option of waiving my right to the eight days of presents and opting instead for one big present. So, like, one year I asked for a dual-cassette boom box (this was the 80s) and just got that instead of a bunch of little things.

What kind of traditional activities do you have to participate in? I guess lighting a menorah and watching a top spin for a few seconds and then fall over doesn’t seem very exciting, come to think of it.

It’s all just boring rituals. You say a bunch of prayers, light some candles, sing a few prayer songs that go on forever, and that’s about it. I can’t remember ever playing dreidel. It’s just a gambling game, like rolling dice, but with more complicated rules. That’s the thing—there’s not a lot of exciting material to work with, so it feels forced. “Hey, kids, here’s a candelabra and a wooden top! Party!” And I won’t even go into the little sacks of dry, waxy chocolate coins that act as the official candy of the holiday.

Is there anything you do like about Hanukkah? Maybe it has just one redeeming quality. You get time off from work…

Hmm. Well, my parents give me money, which I enjoy. And you’re supposed to eat fried foods, you know, because of the magic oil, so that’s delicious. We eat latkes and

sufganiyot

(jelly doughnuts, basically) that are quite a treat. But we don’t get time off from school or work, even if you go to

yeshiva

(religious school). Vacation time is the same as everyone, just in school they call it “winter break” instead of Christmas break.

How stupid am I for believing in Santa Claus when I was young?

Did you really believe that, though? I mean, I don’t think I ever believed in the tooth fairy or anything similar like that. Maybe Jews are just naturally more cynical.

I was always jealous of Jewish kids because I heard they got a present every day. We just got to open one on Christmas Eve and then wait to open the others. Did you ever want to trade Hanukkah for Christmas?

Well, I didn’t have any non-Jewish friends growing up so I couldn’t really compare. My whole world was Jewish. I remember I wasn’t allowed to watch the Peanuts Christmas special on TV, so that was a bummer. As an adult who has cast off her religious roots, it can be lonely around Christmas when everyone is with their families. But there’s the thing about how on Christmas in New York, Jews go out for Chinese and a movie, so that’s become like the new Jewish Christmas.

Do you have a favorite holiday?

I got no beef with Halloween. I was definitely more jealous of that than of Christmas when I was a kid.

What could make Hanukkah cool and fun? What’s it missing?

Hanukkah is not cool and people need to stop trying to coolify it. My mom is always sending me clippings from Jewish newspapers about holiday events for “hip young Jewish singles,” like the “Matzoh Ball” or “Strip Dreidel” or whatever. It all seems so desperate. And stuff like Matisyahu or that Adam Sandler “Chanukah Song” I’ve had to hear 10,000 times… It’s the equivalent of Christian rock and it’s not cool either. Jews need to face the facts that we are nerds and that our religion is very somber and bearded and stop trying to fight it. It’s tacky.