We Summoned the Most Brutal and Kult Metal Faces at the 2016 Rio Summer Olympics

Because Brazil is metal!

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Aug 16 2016, 1:12pm


Artwork by the author

The Olympic games consist of taking our most fearsome athletes and watching them battle for glory. The events are brutal, and the men and women who play them are veritable beasts—sometimes they are even Russian. That is to say, the Olympics are metal. And this year is special because the host country is Brazil, one of the greatest headbanger and thash capitals in the known universe. That’s probably why the summer games this year have been particularly hardcore. For instance, many athletes are “cupping,” which is a therapeutic technique in which they suck their souls from their bodies with cups. Likely, it is Satanic. Furthermore, the divide between the country’s poorest citizens and the propped up fantasyland built in the name of entertainment and advertising revenue will surely inspire a lot of raging music. If you’re still doubtful of the harshness of the Rio Olympics, go watch the video of French gymnast Samir Ait Said and his flopping, shattered leg. Go ahead click that link. We’ll be here.

With all the wrath swirling in the Olympic cesspool (the water in Rio is toxic), a trained eye can see where the metal is between all the smiles and EDM. We spent a day compiling the most primal, brutal, and downright extreme moments from Rio thus far. Below is a gallery of the most heavy metal faces at the Olympics, which we made into motivational posters.

Aurimas Didzbalis, #powermetal

This possessed muscle mass is Aurimas Didzbalis. He won a bronze medal in the men’s 94kg weightlifting event and then did a backflip to celebrate. Holy shit. Apparently, Didzbalis is a demon straight out of Lithuanian folklore. He can rip your arms out from their sockets and fly. With a look that epic, all he needs is a BC Rich guitar and some pyrotechnics. Power lifter becomes power metal.

Brianne Theisen-Eaton, heptathlon grindcore

Here is a photo of Humboldt, Saskatchewan’s Brianne Theisen-Eaton surrounded by the remains of other runners while she stares into oblivion. Or that is the look of someone who just realized they still live in Saskatchewan. Theisen-Eaton won bronze in the women's heptathlon. After devouring competition, she still longs to feed. Inspiring.

Fabio Basile, guttural gold

After eviscerating the competition in the 66kg judo event, Italy’s Fabio Basile death screeched as a warning to any mortals who might challenge his gold medal. The Pope sparked a fatty and put on some Gorgoroth in Basile’s honour.

Mathlynn Sasser, Van Liften

This is the Marshall Islands’ Mathlynn Sasser. She is celebrating a sweet lift in women's 58kg weightlifting by doing a Van Halen impression. She got bim bam banana Dixie cups! (only real metalheads get obscure Van Halen references)

Michael Phelps, it’s NOT just a phase

LOL! I hurled bile wordsFrom my gut torn asunderBy a forsakenBurrito I ate 20 minutesBefore swimming
-- Michael Phelps

Penny Oleksiak, 10,000 days (of swimming)

Toronto’s Penny Oleksiak crushed the Olympics by seizing two bronze, a silver, and gold medals in swimming. Now, Oleksiak can focus on her true passion: being an extra in a trippy Tool.

Sir Bradley Wiggins, BLAAAAAGH!!!!

Sir Bradley Wiggins (he’s knight—which is extra metal) hilariously stuck his tongue out after winning gold in men's team pursuit.

Hail Satan.

Devin Pacholik drinks blood and writes in Saskatchewan. Follow him on Twitter.

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