A Leaked Nude Pic and a Cowardly Married Man

Welcome back to another great edition of Ask Mish. In this round, Mish consoles a man who's nude pic leaked on to Tumblr, and counsels a woman who's in love with a cowardly, married man. Enjoy!

QUESTION 1

Hi Mish,

I’m in a band that’s on the rise right now. Today, a fan sent me a link to a nude photo of me that was on Tumblr. It’s obviously a pic I sent to a man during some kind of sext escapade with a stranger. I’m of legal age and I took the photo myself. However, the photo has been re-blogged a lot, but not in relation to my band yet. What the hell do I do?

Exposed —

Dear Exposed,

Thank you for including the link to the photo in your email. I love looking at naked dudes who play in cool bands. That said, I don’t know what you’re worried about. You should really be owning this. You’re packing heat and your body is, like, amazing.

More seriously, you are a legal and consenting adult who sent this photo to a stranger. Judge Judy would tell you that if you don’t want nude photos of yourself to end up online, then don’t email people nude photos of yourself.

I called my brilliant younger brother, who’s in law, and he said that you might be hard pressed to have a case. Let’s say you lost your band over the photo and you could prove that it was a direct result of the nude photo leaking out, then you could make a case for damages. In short, you would need a great lawyer to get anything out of this one.

In my opinion, you shouldn’t let it bother you. No one is going to see it unless they’re hunting for hot gays on Tumblr. If it does get brought up to you in real life, you can just say, “But come on, check out the size of my cock. It’s practically staring at you.” You know you look good.

Love,
Mish

QUESTION 2

Hey Mish,

This summer I went to go visit my best friend for four weeks in the where she’s at University. During this time I met a dude. He’s pretty amazing, and he looks like someone who crawled out of a film where secretly hot dudes are hidden underneath manly grime and big beards. I got crazy butterflies the first time we spoke. That night he gave me his number and told me to call him the next day so that we could go for lunch.

When I met him, one of the first things he said to me was, "I need to be honest with you. I'm married. I've been in this mess of a marriage for the last three years and I'm in some kind of fucked up place where I'm trying to escape it. I don't want to give you any wrong ideas, but I do want to see you a bunch before you go."

I was bummed, but I knew I couldn't just walk away. I had to get to know this man. Him and I saw each other a lot the next few weeks. 

After I left we proceeded to text daily. Once, drunkenly texted him and told him to come see me in the European city I was moving to, to which he replied, "Promise." Later, in reference to a shirt he wanted to send me, I e-mailed him saying, "Hey, I forgot to tell you. Add C/O Cohen in front of the address I sent you." Even though he mentioned that it might not be a good idea to email him or Facebook him, we didn't use that method often, so I figured it was fine. It was implied that his wife had access to his accounts.

Later I realized that I wouldn't be able to text him from my new country of residence. Christmas, his birthday, and New Years all passed by, but I resisted e-mailing him. Then, I caved. I was scared his wife had seen our correspondence and maybe something had happened. Then I got a Facebook message from him saying, "I'm not sending the shirt".

After that, I received a message from a random dude who is not a Facebook friend of mine. It read, "It's ____________ ….do not respond to any messages…..any… not to this… don't text me… nothing…. please… lay very, very low… and if anything comes up… it was a t-shirt I was sending you…"

I guess my question is, “WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?!’”I think of him daily and would kill to know what to do in this situation.I don't want to break up his marriage. That's not my style.But I do want to be able to speak to him and figure out what's going on. Help me.

From,
My Heart Hurts

—

Dear Hurting Heart,

Thank you for your very detailed account of your turbulent romance with, what appears to be, the world’s biggest coward.

I’m sure all of your friends have told you this, but this guy sucks. He is a slimy, pathetic coward who clearly is firing lies on all cylinders. I don’t care if he’s the most gorgeous creature you’ve ever seen, judging by your story, his personality sucks and he is basically a giant, spineless baby. Do you want to be with a giant, spineless baby? How repulsive!

I know it’s hard to really take in statements like “I’m married” when you’re on cloud nine with a sexy, spineless baby, and your Kegel muscles are running at like, warp speed. However, his marital status should have been your first clue that this dude sucks. The guy admitted to you that he’s been in a “messy marriage” for “three years,” yet he’s still in it? He’s a giant spineless baby who appears to be lying to your face. He wants to make you feel like it’s okay to fall in love with him.

As for the cut-off in communication and the cryptic Facebook messages, I’m assuming that the random person who messaged you from another account is actually the married coward? He’s pretending on his own account (for his wife’s sake or his own paranoia) that he isn’t going to send you a shirt, but in reality, from a new fake account, he tells you he will send you the shirt? What grade is this?

This guy sucks. I’m sorry, but you have zero future with him. Plus he sounds like a total drama queen.

All that said, it’s not all his fault. You need to take some responsibility, too. You need to take those love blinders off and start to look at this situation logically. You should have cut off communication a long time ago. Instead, you’re hanging on for dear life.

When I broke up with my first boyfriend I was so angry at him, mostly just because I felt rejected and my default emotion in that state is anger. My grandmother asked me if my ex had died would I still be angry about those same things. I said, “Of course not. I would just remember the good times and mourn the loss.” My grandmother told me that you have to treat break-ups like a death because, in a way, it kind of is a death. It’s all over, and that’s okay. Now it’s time to start anew.

So to answer your question, you need to remove this guy from your life. Delete and block him from all social networks, then forget and delete his email, phone number and address. It’s done. He’s dead. His wife ate him. She swallowed that giant, spineless baby whole. He probably tasted horribly.

Your heart only hurts because you are trying to keep someone in your life who doesn’t actually want you. If he did, you would be together. It’s that simple.

Best,
Mish

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