Usually I write about metal, but I don't feel like writing about metal today. Instead, I'm going to write about what happened early last December, while I was contemplating a long, cold month of depression following a break-up. I decided it was time to escape the clutches of London's grim winter and take a holiday.
I had a friend in LA at the time, so I decided to visit him. The fact that you have to drive everywhere makes drinking somewhat tricky and pricey (cabs there, seriously), so you need a designated driver. I should have been that guy, given that I am cleaner than Kate Middleton's pum pum, but I can't drive. Enter the man in that photo up there. He is an old school friend of the guy I mentioned before. We'll call him "The Second Coming of Christ, Who Is Also the Antichrist," because that's what he asked us to call him.
Before he showed up to be our chauffeur for the evening, my buddy had warned me that he was a bit "out there", but for some reason he totally forgot to tell me about the time he climbed up West Bethel Presbyterian Church on La Brea Boulevard in Hollywood with no clothes on and shat on its cross. When I heard this story, I decided to call him up and try to figure out how this could ever seem like a good idea to anyone.
VICE: Hey Tony. Are you religious?
The Second Coming of Christ, Who Is Also the Antichrist: I don't consider myself anything. I'm not atheist, agnostic, or a nihilist.
So tell me, why did you climb on top of a church in the middle of LA while ass-naked?
For fame, fortune, and a better sex life.
Did it get you laid?
A few women who I have slept with after the incident knew about it, so maybe. I had a girlfriend who thought it was hilarious while we were together, but she is Christian now, believe it or not. I do not get laid as much as I used to, which is one reason I am doing this interview.
Right. Was the fact that it was a Presbyterian church significant in any way?
No. I was living up in Hollywood at the time and working a graveyard shift as a security guard at an animation studio. I would drive by that church and its cross on my way to and from work. It was the perfect cross for my plan—I needed a white cross for my crap to be visible.
How long were you up there?
I was up there from 7 AM to 3 PM. Watching the feds stream down the avenue towards me in perfect synchronicity, while I sat on top of a cross with my crotch hanging out was the highlight of my life. The SWAT team tried to lure me down with Chinese food and water.
Presumably you were high or under the influence of something at the time of the incident?
Completely sober. I've never done LSD and I don't ever want to.
Who are your heroes?
Klaus Matton, the ex-guitarist of the German dark metal band Bethlehem. He's a good friend of mine.
So are you inspired by metal?
I am inspired by experimental black metal and dark ambient music. Paysage d'Hiver, Velvet Cacoon, and Bethlehem are a few of my major influences.
Cool. Given that your shitting on a cross made the news, was the punishment for this incident severe in any way?
Not really. I spent one day in jail and slept through the whole session. I was 5150d [Involuntary Psychiatric Hold - Ed.] and spent almost two weeks at the Del Amo Psychiatric Hospital in Torrance, California. I was only supposed to be in there for three days, but I refused medication so they extended my stay. After the eighth day they told me they were going to strap me down and inject it in me if I continued refusing. I gave in, so I consumed Abilify and Wellbutrin. Other than that, it was a life-changing and memorable experience.
In what way was it life-changing?
I witnessed how whack things can be. I met a variety of people with some serious mental problems and people who were fine. The patients and nurses had a lot of character. Certain moments were unforgettable: The nurse telling us that an RSVP is required to get into heaven; this guy laughing hysterically at Chazz Palminteri on television because he looked like a mobster; karaoke and bingo nights; some other guy's seizures... I could go on and on. Overall, the stay was entertaining, disturbing, and enlightening all at the same time.
Would you count the incident as a success?
Pooping on a cross naked has been something I've always wanted to do before dying, so yes, it was a success.
Was there any sort of backlash from all of this? Like, did people recognize you and berate you in public or anything?
I did some stupid shit on the internet after the church incident. I self-promoted myself on a bunch of message boards because my video had less than 20,000 views. I wanted to get rid of the evidence of my attention-seeking and set the whole thing aside but couldn't, as the administrators and moderators of the forums wouldn't erase the posts. So, I had a mental breakdown on August 1st, 2010. I broke my laptop with a metal bat in front of Google in Irvine, California.
What happened next?
The police came and pointed their guns at me and told me to get on my knees and to drop my bat, which I had purchased at a Sport Chalet nearby. They handcuffed me and put me in the back of their car, but did not arrest me. They questioned me and took me to the St. Joseph Psychiatric Hospital in Orange, California for four or five days. I was forced to take Zyprexa and Depakote.
What can you tell me about this "ciabook" shirt?
The government is monitoring Facebook. A lot of people still don't get it.
Are you on Facebook?
No, I am not. Posting what's on your mind on Facebook is like eating chips at a restaurant before the meal is prepared—you can't help but consume. I say things on the spur of the moment sometimes and I don't want those things to be permanently archived. When you delete things on Facebook, they aren't actually deleted. Also, I don't want to deal with certain people.
What do you think of the supposed impending apocalypse?
It's nonsense. The world is definitely not going to end on December 21st, 2012. The calendar is an illusion—it's a man-made tradition. The world is going to end when our sun becomes a red giant. I hope humans won't be able to escape our solar system before our sun dies. If they do, something else will manage to eliminate us all.
You said you would like to be known as "The Second Coming of Christ, Who Is Also the Antichrist." Can you explain what this means?
I desperately want people to know that technology is taking over religion. I am the Antichrist because I climbed on top of a church's cross, stripped naked, and smeared my shit all over it. I am the Second Coming of Christ because I am sacrificing myself by taking my mind out of Google and for making myself look like Jesus. I pooped on a cross naked for fame, fortune, and a better sex life. I want all the publicity I can get so I can earn enough money to direct a film starring Norberto Avalos from Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator, and so that I can fuck many prostitutes in the Netherlands.
Why prostitutes in the Netherlands?
They are supposedly sexy. Prostitution is legal there.
Think before I post? Think before you make the internet, motherfuckers! I do not believe in VICE, even though I am on VICE.com.
Previously: A Fist in the Face of God Meets... Nekromantheon