Sex toys are really great, but with our bank accounts still weeping from the sucky recession we've just stumbled out of, we need to get our priorities right. Which means spending our hard-earned/borrowed cash on boring necessities, like food, energy bills, and crank pipes. If it means I don't have to compromise my hefty meth addiction, I'm always going to pick my brother's dowdy old Rampant Rabbit over one of those bespoke sex toys that women like Barbara Walters probably own. In these days of hardship, we must make do. We aren't all Walters.
A book I stole from a hospital waiting room the other day called Make Your Own Sex Toys: A Practical Guide to a Better Love Life instructs you on how to make the moist out of average household items like cucumbers, elastic, and curtain rings. Obviously, because the majority of people don't tend to masturbate with these items, they describe you pleasuring yourself in ways you'd never thought possible. Well, you might have thought about it, but I'm willing to bet "thinking about it" didn't result in you shoving it up your vagina.
The guidebook also has some boring stuff about the history of sex toys, which nearly killed my horn. In order to revive it, I decided to try out a few of my favorite ideas "For Her."
1. THE "WILLY CANDLE"
Requires: Candle, knife, lube, condom, vagina/asshole. (Mouth?)
Step 1: Work up a rage at the tweeness of the phrase "Willy Candle." Use anger to carve a candle into the shape of a penis. Use a knife and your own imagination/previous experience to fashion life-like ridges, veins, pee-hole, etc.
Step 2: Cover it with a condom and shit loads of lube and you're ready to know what it feels like to fuck something at Madame Tussauds, if you don't already. (Guilty.)
Result: This one really puts your creative skills to work. I opted for a life-like tip and a smooth shaft—minimal, yet effective. I also decided to leave the wick sticking out of the top for texture and heightened sensation. Use a thick candle and trim it down to size as you go. You can't put back what you've already taken off!
As you can see, mine was a little thick but I was up for a challenge. Unfortunately, despite my efforts to personalize and personify the candle to make it seem more friendly, the wax was too hard and actually hurt me. I also completely over-estimated myself and forgot that I'm basically a virgin (don't be jealz), so some last-minute trimming was needed.
If you think waiting for a guy to strap up kills the vibe, wait until you've picked up a knife and hacked centimeter-thick layers off a "penis."
2. THE "GIMP MASK"
Requires: A beanie and some scissors. Gimp. And a zip, if you're fancy like that.
Step 1: Cut a breathing hole.
Step 2: Sew optional zip over breathing hole for added depravity.
Result: Not only does this book instruct you on how to create things to put all up in yourself, it also gives DIY steps on sex accessories, like a pair of panties that hold a condom, and this gimp mask. V for VERSATILITY! The guy I got with knows I'm into this stuff, so he wasn't at all surprised when I pulled this hatchet job out during our trip to the bone-zone. He liked that it differed from our previous gimp masks and didn't have eyeholes, but he was disappointed by the lack of a gap for my ponytail to poke through. How was he supposed to chew on my hair?
It turns out that, amazingly, wool isn't the best material for a gimp mask. It just got way too sweaty under there, it was, my man said, like drowning a sheep in some tar. And personally I can't think of anyone who would find that a turn-on.
3. THE "STRAP-ON SALAD"
Requires: A shoulder pad, a curtain ring, two poppers, a salami or cucumber, a condom, lube, orifice.
Step 1: Cut a piece of elastic to fit around your hips. Attach poppers to each end.
Step 2: Cut a hole in a shoulder pad the same size as your curtain ring. Sew the ring into the hole, then sew the shoulder pad to the waistband.
Step 3: Sew a second strap of elastic (the piece that goes up your ass crack) to the bottom of the pad and attach poppers.
Step 4: Pick whatever phallus you want and put it through the curtain ring. Secure with glue. Cover with a condom and lube, and proceed to stick it in every orifice people will let you get near enough to.
Result: I used a cucumber for this because the only meat I put in any hole of mine is that which belongs to another living human being. Other veggie options include carrots: (hard enough for shaping), or nature's own ribbed dildo: corn on the cob.
Strap-ons are not something I'm particularly familiar with, so it took some maneuvering and getting used to. When I got acclimated, I was actually very proud of my cool, pleasantly scented penis, until reality hit and it dawned on me that someone would be ramming a cucumber into the part of me that one day, a baby will exist in. Owh, conscience, why you gotta do that!?
That finished me off (not in a good way), so I asked to swap places. My sex-friend wasn't a fan of this idea, so we threw the thing away and he fucked me with his dick like a normal human being.
4. THE BALL RUB
Requires: A balloon or beach ball, hot water, lube, functional clitoris.
Step 1: Fill the balloon or beach ball with warm water. Cover it in lube.
Step 2: Sit on it or rub it on your clit. Wait for the gods of friction to make you sigh.
This one's super-cheap, AND disposable! It's also supposedly great for people who can't orgasm through penetration alone and for those with a balloon fetish. Unfortunately the thought of someone being sexually aroused by a clown making balloon animals made me scream with fear and it popped. Alas, the gush of water on my bed was not from me.
CONCLUSION: To be honest, not one of these DIY sex toys really hit the spot, some for reasons of craft, design, and artisanship, others because of the huge psychological flaws involved in using everyday items for an act as private as sex.
For example, I constantly imagined the BFG screwing me with one of his snozcumbers while using the Strap on Salad, and the pink balloon I used for The Ball Rub looked exactly like the balloon in the photo of me and my dad on my third birthday that sits on my parents' mantelpiece. If I ever think about that during sex again, I'm immediately checking myself in to therapy.
Oh well, there are still a ton of household items I haven't stuck up myself yet. I'm sure I'll find my ideal match one day. Just gotta keep trying.
Follow Chloe on Twitter: @chloecrossx