Weight Loss Tips that Have Actually Worked for Me

Put your thumb as close to your eyes as you can while still being able to focus. Try to see one of your cells. Think about how many trillions of cells make the shape of your body. You can’t see them, but that’s all you are. You’re a mass of tiny things you can’t see but are constantly completing tasks so you can stay alive and think about what “carnitas” means.

Think of your inner monologue/awareness as a comically oversized CEO cell, running the temporary staff of cells you can’t see, sustaining the business of your life. As the CEO, your job is to make choices. Cells process data received from the choices you’ve made. They will not understand the memo, “Please direct the fat content of this pint of ice cream to the right breast to make it slightly more symmetrical to the left breast—your 20-year project is to sustain this symmetry, after that please focus all attention on maintaining breast perkiness.”

This CEO/staff thing already sounds kind of Health Science 101 to me. Mostly I think about my weight because I know what fat feels like and I don’t want to be there again.

Here are some ways I’ve found to combat food problems:

Smells

When you encounter a tempting smell (bacon, fried things, hot cheese, tacos, etc.) think about how it's just a smell. Smelling is just one of your five senses. If you see an attractive stranger you don’t approach and fondle them. You can independently experience smelling; it doesn’t need to lead to tasting.

Paranoia

Wear clothes you like from when you were thinner, even if they’re no longer flattering. Imagine people on the street feeling disappointed in you because they know about your thinner self. Make eye contact with someone and pretend they don’t like you because your buttons are overextended.

Invent karma-based, unrelated consequences about food. For example, think “If I eat this entire box of pasta, the person I’m romantically interested in will receive a mental transmission that I’ve masturbated to their Facebook photos.”

If you’re high and want to binge-eat and you've seen Pan’s Labyrinth, either recall or re-watch the scene where the girl is confronted with a huge table of food at the end of which is a dormant, eyeless, child-eating monster who puts his eyes in his hands and chases her after she eats the grape.

Develop a Dysfunctional Relationship with Alcohol

A lot of websites like to tell people “a glass of red wine per day is healthy,” “drink in moderation,” “choose low calorie mixers,” etc. Maybe you are someone who has a healthy relationship with alcohol, but if that’s the case, you probably don’t have problems with your weight.

If you really want to be drunk, drink so much that you vomit. If you binge-eat when drunk this is additionally helpful. Not only will you feel physically terrible the next day, you’ll probably also feel ashamed of yourself for vomiting, and will want to binge-drink less and less. Also, avoid beer.

Be Nice to Yourself

Allow yourself to go on “eat whatever you want benders” sometimes. Eventually your body will feel bad, you’ll look worse, and you’ll probably realize there was no end to your means of eating. After your bender, you’ll probably want to balance it out with some salads for a week or so.

Exercise

If you don't see strenuous exercise as part of your lifestyle after you achieve your ideal weight, it’s just a short-term solution. Find some kind of exercise you like simply because you like doing it. A lot of Yahoo.com slideshows will tell you things like this too, but I feel like it’s a salient point. Ideally I would only be required to run if something was chasing me, so I’ve gotten pretty deep into yoga.

Bad Guys

I’ve lost weight using both carb-based and carb-free diets. I really don’t know which way is better, but it’s fun to think of carbs as “the bad guys.” If your order at a restaurant contains carbs, think of the carbs on your plate as a direct confrontation with an enemy who wants to destroy you. If you eat them you will die sooner. Either eat the carbs, knowing you’re being a traitor or weak spy who is giving power to your enemy, or simply set them aside and think things like you bitch motherfucker at them. This is also fun when dinner conversations become boring.

Food Tips

- Buy a juicer and drink green juice every morning. You’ll feel motivated to not mess up your healthy start to the day.

- Think about how if something is creamy, lactation was probably involved. When you’re trying to decide between two pints of ice cream, pretend they are your mom’s nipples and she wants you to suck on them.

- To make dark leafy greens taste better in your salad, massage them with oil and lemon and salt before you add toppings. Massaging greens with oil gives them a uniform, almost cooked texture. Also it is very sexy to massage things with oil.

- If you are craving something salty and crunchy, eat as many pickles as you can.

- If you are craving something sweet, eat an entire watermelon.

- If you are craving chocolate, think about how icky it is when girls use whiny voices to say “I just want some choc-laaaate! Tonight is such a chocolate night!”

Cravings

Out-of-control cravings are actually opportunities to question what you really want. You can engage in a dialogue with yourself instead of blindly obeying your impulses. Whenever you feel a craving, think about how you don't want to be like Robin Williams—if you don't like Robin Williams. (This works for me).

Be Mean to Yourself

Remember that the extra fat on your body is part of you. Your heart is pumping blood to the fat parts so people can look at them and be less attracted to you. The only purposes these extra-fat parts serve are to activate your sweat glands and make your ass jiggle when you walk. Getting sweaty and jiggly in a nightclub can be fun, but when it happens without your permission on your walk to the library, the feeling is less rewarding.

Disassociate yourself from excess fat portions of your body. They look like they’re attached to you, but really they’re just like annoying acquaintances who want to be photographed with you at parties so they can look like they’re with someone cool.

Previously - Rejected GOP Campaign Strategies

@meganboyle