A Dog Caused Chaos in Scotland After Driving a Tractor on a Highway

This article originally appeared on VICE UK.

Delays were caused on a stretch of busy Scottish motorway after a dog took control of a tractor and drove it into the road. Feels very biblical, this, doesn't it? As though the dogs are finally realizing their destiny by rising up, claiming our heavy machinery as their own, and decking it cheerfully into a big row of Peugeots. I, for one, welcome our new dog overlords, and the reign of turd-ridden streets and terror that they will inevitably bring.

As the BBC reports, the incident was reported by Traffic Scotland this morning with a tweet saying: "M74 (N) J13-RTC due to dog taking control of tractor… nope, not joking. Farmer and police at scene, vehicle in central res."

After the dog was pulled over and asked to please stop driving a tractor down a motorway, Traffic Scotland added: "M74 (N) at J13 – Route is clear from earlier incident and dog is fine. Has to be the weirdest thing we have ever reported! No delays in area."

Police joined the dog's human master—who it's thought is being earmarked for mercy in the upcoming dogpocalypse—in huddling around the central reservation where the tractor ended up and just being really Scottishly confused about the whole thing. It's thought the dog leaned on the tractor controls at some point while the farmer was out of the vehicle, or at least that's the story, anyway. In reality, the dog probably hypnotized the farmer with a loving look and then, as thousands of years of evolution came to a natural conclusion, clasped its paws in the vague approximation of opposable thumbs, smoothly changed gear, and then took off towards the M74, with joy in its tiny dog heart and the sun on its back.

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What mysteries lie inside the gem-like mind of a dog? Dogs are innocent and they are wise. Dogs enjoy small tins of bad meat and being told they are good. They like walking and turning their necks awkwardly and excitedly to look at humans. They like panting and naps. They, apparently, like driving without a license and taking prohibited vehicles onto and across British carriageways. The mind of a dog is a precious diamond that it is impossible to mine. It contains magnitudes, all of them untold. What tiny spark of naïve genius inspired a Scottish dog to drive a tractor into a motorway? We may never know.

But sometimes, in life, I think we all feel like a dog driving a tractor down a busy stretch of Scottish motorway. We don't know what's happening or why, but we're behind the wheel and we're fucking motoring. Our happiness is both infectious and full of extreme and lethal possibility. We don't know how we got here but we're enjoying the ride. Thank you, Scottish Motorway Dog. Thank you for showing us that life is full of possibility and wonder. Thank you for teaching us that a single moment of vivid joy can make our day anew. Thank you for not killing us with a tractor while you were on your rampage.

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