CHRISTMAS IDEAS FOR BAD PARENTS

Monitoring the shady movements of the international Paedomasonry so we don't have to, The Sun are outraged again by a fresh attempt to molest our kids: a new Barbie doll fitted with a hidden camera. Cunningly released in the build up to Christmas, the tabloid seems to be concerned that the option to upload footage from the camera to YouTube means it will act as a kind of "pervert Trojan Horse" in the bedrooms of our young, providing paedos with a bounty of disgusting shit.

With the nation's most popular newspaper clamoring for paedo Barbie's swift removal from toy shop shelves, we figured it would be a good idea to put together a list of alternative Christmas gift ideas for the uncaring, negligent, or willfully malicious parent.

THE PAEDO BIKINI

If your seven year-old isn't busty enough, consider this padded bra for kids. The "paedo bikini" caused predictable outrage when it was stocked in Primark shops earlier this year. It's hardly what you'd call a seasonal gift, but for the bad parent this will only add to the paedo bikini's appeal. Buy it for your son for maximum misery points. What on earth were they thinking?

THE BLOODY KNIFE

Stabbings in London are almost as commonplace as handshakes. So when 99p stores in Brixton decided it'd be a good idea to celebrate Halloween and years of anti-knife crime campaigning in the city by stocking 12-inch blades that appeared to be dripping with human blood, disgusted residents marched on City Hall. "I couldn't believe they would sell that here," said the chairwoman of a local Residents' Association, before rewarding children who'd come to her doorstep dressed as murderers and the undead with handfuls of sweets. Some people--no sense of humor!

THE VIBRATING HARRY POTTER BROOMSTICK

Replicas of the vibrating Harry Potter broomstick were axed once parents started complaining about their daughters getting too attached to the toy. In retrospect, the Nimbus 2000's trembling seems particularly cruel, given the faces owned by Messrs Radcliffe and Grint. In this sense it can probably be seen as a paedo-deterrent, given the likelihood of your child being conditioned to hate sex forever.

THE ISLAMIC SATANIST DOLL

Vigilant parents from the US Bible Belt looked through The Little Mummy Real Loving Baby Cuddle and Coo Doll's official title and saw their children five years from now, clad in the explosive gilet of the devil-worshipping Jihadist. The doll, armed with an inflammatory argot that includes the phrases "Islam is the Light" and "Satan is the King," remains on sale after its manufacturers argued its voicebox was programmed to emit only "gurgling and gibberish." I guess if anyone's adept at making sense of gurgling and gibberish, it's the parents of the American Bible Belt. *SATIRICALSATANICDOLLLOL*

LEGO

If you reckon you didn't choke on this stuff when you were a kid you're either lying or you don't have a mouth. Though obviously not both.

CYBIL UNREST