Entertainment

Surreal Photos of Christmas at Its Most Depressing

Celebrate the holidays with mulled spice-flavored bleach and algorithm-generated shirts that say things like, "Be nice to the payroll specialist, Santa is watching."

by Jamie Lee Curtis Taete
Dec 24 2019, 1:00pm

Photos by the author

I don’t want to be like your dad, texting you in October to complain that he’d just seen Christmas stuff on sale at Target (“October!!”), but it feels like Christmas is way more intensely Christmas-y this year. Take Christmas movies for example. There are almost 100 of them being released this Christmas. In Netflix’s case, they have been doubling the amount of holiday content they put out with each year that passes. The number of Hallmark Christmas movies is up 20 percent since 2017.

Every formerly famous person on earth has been tracked down and forced to star in something Christmassy this holiday season. There’s a film where Rachel Leigh Cook finds love at Christmastime with an inn owner. And one where Vanessa Hudgens finds love at Christmastime with a time-traveling knight. And separate ones where Tia and Tamera find love at Christmastime with a contractor and a writer respectively. Outside of movies, everything has become Christmas. From mulled spice flavored bleach to Christmas pop-ups to algorithm-generated shirts that say things like, "Be nice to the payroll specialist, Santa is watching."

Not that I’m complaining. I love Christmas! I put up the first of my two Christmas trees on November 14, and it’s been weeks since I’ve watched anything that didn’t involve a Z-lister falling in love while surrounded by fake snow. I long for the inevitable day when Christmas has infected the entire year, and we’re in some sort of reverse-Christmas situation where our big annual celebration is in June and involves taking down our tinsel and trees for a couple of weeks.

Not in some terrifying, ISIS-ish enforced religion kind of way. I don’t think we should like, kill anyone who doesn’t observe Christmas. But I would very much like for my own life to be as festive as possible! Make it so every song I hear has jingling bells and a children’s choir. Let me eat a diet that consists of nothing but mashed potatoes and festive lattes. And when that diet causes me to die of scurvy at the age of 40, fill my veins with gingerbread-flavored embalming fluid and lower me into the ground in a candy cane-colored coffin. Play "All I Want For Christmas Is You (Extra Festive Version)" at my wake, and observe the anniversary of my death every July by placing a wreath of red poinsettias on my headstone.

Anyway. Here are some Christmas-y things I’ve seen recently:

1576594850002-5-guns-DSC08800
1576594849724-11-Lady-MAGA-DSC09482
1576594845706-23-parade-fence-DSC08267
1576594849399-1-winter-wonderland-DSC08136
1576594849457-8-LAPD-DSC08288
1576594849061-24-alien
1576594848617-26-guns-DSC08573
1576594846205-22-Reagan-DSC06885
1576594845719-29-shrine-DSC09672
1576594845506-10-grieving-at-Christmastime-DSC08409
1576594845459-6-Elsa-DSC09744
1576594843118-21-laxatives-DSC08430
1576594842432-20-the-Grinch-DSC09371
1576594842199-25-sex-store-DSC09018
1576594840426-4-balloons-DSC07342
1576594839779-9-bail-bonds-DSC08436
1576594838971-16-jesuses-DSC09738
1576594838764-32-tires-DSC09232
1576594836146-18-Matress-Firm
1576594836164-3-balloons-DSC08003
1576594835915-31-keep-shopping-DSC08486
1576594835109-28-Elf-on-the-CCTV-IMG_1808
1576594834505-13-aquarium-DSC08557
1576594830962-15-deer-blind-DSC08583
1576594831062-33-strip-club-DSC08867
1576594830539-19-botox-DSC08468
1576594830195-30-mall-DSC09075
1576594826274-12-toilet-DSC06999
1576594825248-14-Brett-Michaels-DSC07505
1576594812956-17-SWAT-IMG_1447
1576594806265-7-vaping-DSC09368
1576594805825-2-Christmas-village-DSC06702
1576594803133-0-LAPD-DSC08344

Tagged:
christmas
Holidays
xmas
l. ron hubbard
Winter Wonderland
lady maga