Entertainment

Yeehaw! William Shatner Just Won a Bunch of Horse Jizz in His Divorce

The 'Star Trek' star is now the rightful owner of a valuable batch of equine splooge. Good for him!
March 5, 2020, 10:40pm
Credit: Michael Tullberg / Getty
William Shatner Horse Jizz

William Shatner has been embroiled in a divorce battle with his former wife, Elizabeth, but he finally reached a settlement on Tuesday entitling him to plentiful HJs post divorce. Before you think that's gross, we're not talking about hand jobs here—we're talking about horse jizz. Calm down!

People reports that the 88-year-old Star Trek actor won two horses with extremely ridiculous names—Renaissance Man's Medici and Powder River Shirley (actually this one’s good)—in the settlement. Along with the pony package came "all the horse semen" and equipment used for horse breeding, per court documents. Does that include a pair of ribbed latex gloves, some copies of Horse & Rider magazine, and a worn out CD of Ginuwine's "Pony"? Probably not. Am I taking this too far? Likely, yes.

Though Elizabeth, a former horse trainer who was married to Shatner for more than 18 years, walked away scant on equine cum, she did win the former couples' other two, equally-stupidly-named horsies—Belle Reve's So Photogenic and Pebbles. (Pebbles is actually a good name too.) She was also granted visitation rights with the horses she lost in the settlement, though it's unknown if she'll also pay a visit to the vat of horse splooge that'll now reside in Shatner's freezer. She'll also get to visit all the graves of her first husband as well as "several horses" that are buried on Shatner's property. I have so many questions, starting with, what the fuck? Also, how many dead horses does William Shatner have buried on his estate? Are they buried next to her first husband? This is a lot.

This is far from the first time celebrities have fought tooth-and-nail over freaky belongings during a divorce settlement. Stephanie Gonis, the ex-wife of Black Keys' Dan Auerbach, walked away with a Toyota Highlander and some of Bob Dylan's hair in their 2013 divorce. David Hasselhoff got to keep his nickname "The Hoff" and the catchphrase "Don't hassle the Hoff" in 2016. And a leaked email from 2007 claimed Denise Richards requested some of her ex Charlie Sheen's sperm for artificial insemination, though she later alleged the email was doctored.

We can assume Shatner will be using his jizz riches for breeding future stallions, but with plenty at his disposal, the world is his spunky oyster.