Former NBA journeyman Brian Scalabrine is beloved among a certain sector of NBA fans for being a goofy, enthusiastic 12th man who would elicit the biggest cheers of the evening from a home crowd when he managed to get into a game in the waning moments of a blowout. The cheers grew even louder if he managed to put one in the hoop. Dubbed the White Mamba by Chicago Bulls broadcaster Stacey King, Scal fulfilled the role of fan-and-media favorite for 11 years, until he wasn't good enough to fill out a roster. There was much joy when he joined the coaching staff of the Mark Jackson's Golden State Warriors in the summer of 2013 and much disappointment when Jackson demoted him near the end of the regular season.
It's with great pleasure that VICE Sports can report that Brian Scalabrine is the best. This is verified by the parody of LeBron James's Sports Illustrated cover story that announced he was returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers that Scalabrine published on Comcast Sports Net New England today.
Yes, Scal is headed to the broadcast booth this season to call Boston Celtics games. He'll most likely flourish in the role, but instead of getting misty-eyed and optimistic about the future of NBA broadcasting, let's highlight some of the best moments in this fauxnnouncement.
You see, Scal gets it because he is just like the fans who cheer him on:
"From the moment I signed with the Celtics, I knew this was my new home. Most of the people are just like me, they work hard, they play hard, and the passion they have for their sports team is unlike anywhere in the world. I had passion for my team just like the fans. I guess I was kind of like the fans except I had a courtside seat for free and if we were up by 20 with less than two minutes to play I would get to go into the game."
On how he felt when he left the Celtics the first time and why he signed with the Bulls:
"I could feel it. I was leaving something I had spent five years creating. I haven't paid for a meal since 2008. What if all of this goes away?
I went to Chicago because of Tibs and D-Rose and the crazy energy of Joakim Noah, and it was my only job offer in the states."
Go read the essay right now. It's a tongue-in-cheek skewering written by someone who knows that he's not LeBron James, he's Brian Scalabrine, which is more than enough.
David Matthews routinely writes these sorts of essays prior to trips to Popeye's. Follow him on Twitter.