What Will Smith Character Do You Want to Be?

"I’d rather sleep with Will Smith than be him. So I’d become a character who fucks him."

Will Smith is probably not going to play a concentration camp victim or a dirty homeless serial killer or, like, a quietly despairing literature professor or something. Will Smith is always Will Smith—cool, wisecrack-spouting, sexually attractive but not so much that he’s not fun for the whole family. In Independence Day he was Will Smith the fighter pilot, in Wild Wild West he was Will Smith the techno-cowboy, in I Am Legend he was Will Smith at the end of the world—you get the idea. (We think The Pursuit of Happyness might be an exception to this rule, but no one has ever seen that movie.) So obviously, everyone wants to be Will Smith. The only question is, which Will Smith do you want to be?

Vince: Will Smith in Independence Day.

Why that version?
That was his breakout. That was when his synergy was super fresh. He came straight out of being $200,000 in debt. He got a movie deal and then brought hip-hop to the mainstream.

How do you know all this?
I just read a book called The Big Payback: The History of the Business of Hip Hop by Dan Charnas.

Will Smith is a part of “the history of hip hop”?
Yeah, Will Smith was a big part of the business of hip-hop, bringing hip-hop to the mainstream.

Tyler: I’d be the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Why the Fresh Prince?
He was living in a mansion and had a fun sitcom life.

Yeah, OK, that does sound pretty good.

Claire: Will Smith has become too much.

He’s a Scientologist.
Well, then forget it. No, he’s still a pretty good actor. I’d become one of the men in black, but I'd be a girl wearing a sexy suit.

That’s not allowed. You have to be Will Smith and you have to be a man.
OK. I’d do that.

Triana: Can I be his daughter Willow?

Sure, but why would you want to be Willow?
At least she’s got some years left on her.

Serena: I’d rather sleep with Will Smith than be him. So I’d become a character who fucks him. He’s kind of hot, like in a 90s way. He’s the Fresh Prince. I kind of owe it to myself, since I watched the Fresh Prince of Bel Air as a child.

David: What’s the one where he’s a washed-up super hero?

Hancock. Why Hancock? Are you washed-up?
No. That one just has the most potential. You’re getting a lot of powers and abilities.

And you could fuck Charlize Theron.
Yeah. That too. Independence Day is a close second. Think of the post Independence Day days. Like, yo, Will Smith is the greatest American hero.

Previously - What's Your Suicide Song?

BTW, did you know Will Smith played a legless junkie one time? Yeah, the character was in a movie called Where the Day Takes You and it wasn't terrible!