Which Religious Idol Would You Get Drunk With?

The idols worshipped by the idol-worshipping portion of the world’s population used to be human beings who walked around, got colds, shat in pots, and even got drunk.

As we were reminded by the recent should-have-remained-confined-to-academia debate over whether Jesus had a wife, the idols worshipped by the idol-worshipping portion of the world’s population used to be human beings who walked around, got colds, shat in pots and ditches and whatever else they used back then, wrote science fiction novels, and even got drunk. (Remember that time Noah got shithoused and passed out naked in his tent until his son walked in on him, and then he got pissed at his son? Genesis 9:20-27. The Bible is the greatest story ever told.) So that naturally leads in to today’s question—what religious messiah would you want to get drunk with?

Marina, student: Buddha. I think we’d be able to have an enlightened conversation.

What would you talk about?
I think it would be casual. With Jesus I feel like we might get into debates. They'd be meaningful debates, but Buddha would be fun and happy and wouldn’t put any pressure on me.

Not unless he sits on your face.

Ajani: I’d say Jesus.

I have a lot of questions about the afterlife. And I would ask him why certain things happened in my life. And what’s waiting for me, after.

Would you get him drunk enough to reveal any secrets to you?
No. Never. I would never do that. Even if he could get drunk, I would never do that. That’s, like, the ultimate sin.

Jacob, contractor: Jesus. Because of faith.

Because you need to be drunk to have faith?
No. Just because he’s Jesus. We’d probably talk about life. I’d ask him why it’s so hard.

Do you think a beer would make it easier?
Well, we might get drunk and get into trouble.

Would Jesus pick up the tab?
Probably. I hope so!

Lauren, falafel eater: Satan. It would be way more debauched. It wouldn’t be just a beer.

What do you think would happen?
I'd probably end up with a “Mom” tattoo. Or in a house I’ve never been to.

Why not any of the other guys?
Satan seems more abstract and he isn’t necessarily an actual guy. He’s a greater, wispier figure. And he has a tail. He might wrap his tail around the beer and pour it into my mouth.

Raymond, real estate agent: Well, they’re not really drinkers. It’d be boring to have a drink with them.

Who would you choose?
Odin or Thor. It seems to be right up their alley. They’re from the North, it gets pretty damn cold, they do a lot of fighting, and they probably want to kick back afterwards. But they’d probably have mead, not beer.

What would you talk about?
How the weather sucks. How there are too many dragons and giants running the world. How winter’s coming and they’re going to have to, like, leave this world.

Maybe how they might have to skin some sheep to keep warm.
Yeah. And we might make fun of Odin for missing an eye and looking like a pirate. And how Thor sold out because he had a movie come out.

Louie, juggler: I would say Buddha. You could probably have fun and get jolly with him. He might do something wacky.

Like what?
He might run around half-naked under the trees. I just picture him being really jolly, like Santa Claus.

What would you talk about?
About how Jesus and Mohammed don’t like drinking beers. Who was the other guy?

Oh, I pick him instead. He predates everyone. Can I change to Moses?

Toby: Oh, I don’t know. I wouldn’t have a reason to drink with anyone.

Who do you think would be the funniest?
I don’t know. That’s a stupid question. I’m not from here. Maybe Jesus.

Where are you from?

What about a German philosopher?
Oh OK, yeah. Actually, no. I shouldn’t change my first answer. So, Jesus, just to see if he exists.

But he must exist if you’re having a beer with him.


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