Who Was Your Teenage Crush?

It sucks when your sexual desires are directed at people with unattainable genitals.

Back when our libidos were still in their initial stages of development, our sexual desires were usually directed at people who had very exclusive genitals that we would never be anywhere near. In the spirit of solidarity with this universal quirk of humanity, we decided to bring this discourse to the public sphere and hopefully embarrass some people along the way.

VICE: Did you have a teenage crush?
George, 54, driver:
Yes, it was a woman, I’ve got her poster! It was Tina Turner.

Tina Turner?
Her figure! The hair was alright, but I’m not really looking at the hair—it is all about the figure.

Do you still fancy her?
Yeah. I want to put her on cloud nine! What a woman, a woman and a half!

Who was your teenage crush?
Victoria, 23, freelance illustrator:
There was a guy at school that I had a crush on. I was kind of a huge nerd and he was a skater and I thought he was so cool and cute.

What happened?
Through high school I became friends with him and realized that he was a complete douchebag.

Did you have a teenage crush?
Joe, 21, retail:
What year did Lost in Translation come out? It's gotta be young Scar-Jo. I was a teen when it came out in 2003, I think. Young Scar-Jo, emphasis on the YOUNG. Well, not too young because people reading this will think I mean Horse Whisperer-era, when she was like, eight.

Was it the pink panties in Lost in Translation?
Yeah, it was those panties.

Did you have a teenage crush?
Layla, 22, sex-shop employee:
Yeah, it would probably be Travis from Blink-182 or something like that—tacky!

Tattoos, fast drumming, I don’t know, he was just fit!

Did you have a teenage crush?
Raj, 34, shopkeeper:
Yeah, I did.

Mine was Aaron Carter, was yours a celebrity, too?
No, no, it was one of my seniors from my school.

Did anything ever happen between the two of you?
No, she finished and I finished and that’s it. I don’t know what she is doing now.

:( What was it about her that drove you so wild?
Her eyes, the color was just normal, but there was a spark in her eyes and I was like: "That is the girl that I have to get married to." And that never happened.

Was she the popular girl?
Yeah, she was head of the school and I was the assistant head of the schoolboys.

Aching for you, Raj.

Did you have a teenage crush?
Lee, 34, security guard:
Yes, Martine McCutcheon.

Tiffany from Eastenders? What was it about her?
I don’t know, I think she is just the perfect, natural-looking girl.

What about the singing career?
No, that singing wasn’t up to much. It's the look, not the voice. Probably not her talking voice, either.

So her just silent?

Did you have a teenage crush?
Eliaas, 33, accountant:
Nah, I don’t remember that far back, it was a long time ago. Sometimes I go on YouTube. Beyonce and Rihanna, I like them.

Who do you crush on hardest?
I can’t say, the whole package. Beyonce or Rihanna. I do like them, but Rihanna more because she is a good singer and Beyonce has a baby and whatever, so there's no chance for me now.

I’m afraid her ship has sailed, Eliaas.

Did you have a teenage crush?
Sarah #1, 22, student (left):
Yes, Justin Timberlake.
Sarah #2, 21, student: Yeah! David Beckham.

Did you have posters on the wall?
Sarah #1:
Sarah #2: Yes.

Did you dream of them?
Sarah #1:
Sarah #2: No.

What was it about David and Justin?
Sarah #1:
His dancing…
Sarah #2: He was fit!
Sarah #1: That "Like I Love You" video was amazing! But when he was on that Ashton Kutcher program Punk’d and he cried, that put me off.

Did you have a teenage crush?
Tom, 22, student:
My sister's friends. I had an older sister and her friends would come over and I would get a bit sheepish but that’s about it. Now I’m going to look like a weird pervert.

Did anything ever happen with them?
Well, I thought once I hit adolescence it would even up a bit and the playing fields would be kind of level, but I still haven’t heard from them.

Did you ever peek in when they were having slumber parties?
I used to pretend that, "Oh, I just need a glass of water…"

You dog. Have you seen them recently, are they still crush-worthy?
On Facebook, yeah. They are absolutely BANGTIDY, but I think maybe at 12 I was at my peak.

Previously - What's Your Pick-Up Line?