Entertainment

'The Lighthouse' Is Relentlessly Horny for Mermaid Vaginas

"Well, my first shot was this ferocious masturbation scene," Robert Pattinson said in an interview with the New York Times.
October 18, 2019, 3:58pm
splitscreen-screenshot-robert-pattinson-touching-mermaid-robert-eggers-movie-the-lighthouse
Screenshots via trailer

It's hard to pin down what exactly The Lighthouse is. The movie, about two men stuck caring for a lighthouse, feels more extreme than your standard drama, but the Robert Eggers-directed film's lack of jump scares and gore might make some hesitant to call it straight up "horror." Regardless of its genre, I'm sure we can all agree after seeing it that, at the very least, The Lighthouse is a movie about being horny for mermaid vaginas. And specifically, about Robert Pattinson being weirdly, grotesquely, maddeningly horny for mermaid vaginas. (There are spoilers ahead.)

Shooting the movie certainly started off on an interesting foot. "Well, my first shot was this ferocious masturbation scene," Pattinson told the New York Times in an interview published yesterday. "It’s always nice to do something massive for your opening shot, and I went really massive on the first take. It was a 180 from everything we’d done in rehearsal, and I could see Robert [Eggers] a little in shock afterward. But I was like, “OK, cool, I didn’t get told to stop, so I’ll keep going in that direction."

Pattinson was so into it, in fact, that director Robert Eggers—who's also known for 2015's The Witch—called the masturbation shot in particular "inspiring." In an interview with the Daily Beast, Eggers added that "Rob really, really went for it." Aside from the "ferocious" fapping in question, and without giving too much of the movie away, The Lighthouse has seaside sex, mermaid vaginas, and of course, also seamen—as in, men of the sea. But Pattinson wasn't the only one "really, really" going for it when it came to thoughts of mermaid boning.

If you've seen The Little Mermaid or even the Darryl Hannah-starring Splash, you might think that mermaids just have long, smooth, fish-like tails, with no genitals in sight, which might prompt questions like, "How do mermaids pee?" But The Lighthouse, like many Quora users before it, also set out to ask another question: How do mermaids fuck?

As Eggers told the Daily Beast, the mermaid vagina was carefully "pre-planned and storyboarded." Although the "impenetrable" mermaid we imagine now was a creation of the Victorian Era, earlier renderings of mermaids had split tails, like the Starbucks mermaid. Instead of following the Victorian model, Eggers said, "We still had to figure out how mermaids can copulate and create more mermaids."

Using a design based on shark labias—which is something that, thank god, didn't pull up a lot of relevant image results on Google—the Lighthouse team created an all-too-realistic set of silicone labia. Eggers called the additional writhing tentacles the "seafood salad" shots, which really gives new meaning to the euphemism of "tossing one's salad."

The thought of mermaid vaginas, mermaid periods, mermaid pooping, et cetera has certainly fascinated people for ages. The fantasy of human-mermaid mating has been the subject of legitimate sociological inquiry, as well as ample horny Deviant Art drawings and captions. The logistics have been thought out in Jezebel and Gizmodo. But now, thanks to The Lighthouse, we don't have to imagine: we can just see it happen, and whether that's a good thing or not is all up to you.