There are some real positives about living to be 94 years old. For starters, you’re not inside a fucking satin-lined box. You can get out of doing literally anything—changing out of your pajamas, attending anyone’s dance recital, watching The Masked Singer—by pointing out that you’re 94 years old. And if you find a human tooth in your frozen fish dinner, you can be 100-percent sure that it isn’t one of your own.
Ninety-four-year-old Frank Banks was having dinner with his wife and a friend when he bit into something hard in his Morrisons-brand breaded cod fillet. When he pulled the strange object out of his mouth, he was creeped out when he realized what it was. “I cut another piece off and started eating it and then thought 'God Almighty—what is that?'” he told Spalding Today. "It was hard and completely black. I took it and washed it in bleach and scrubbed it to see what it was. I couldn't believe it was a tooth. I knew it wasn't one of my teeth because mine are false."
After Banks swished some disinfectant around his mouth, the three of them started wondering aloud how the tooth had ended up in the tray of frozen fish. (In most cases, it’s difficult to pinpoint the exact moment when an evening with friends loses its magic. This was not one of those cases.) Banks’ wife, Christine, bagged up the tooth and the rest of the fish fillets, and she and the couple’s guest took it right back to the Morrisons where she’d purchased it.
Morrisons gave her a refund for the carton of fish, and a £10 ($13) “We’re Sorry You’ve Tasted a Stranger’s Tooth” voucher. The supermarket also promised to send the tooth and the remaining pieces of cod to a lab for further analysis. “We are waiting to receive the item the customer found,” a Morrisons spokesperson said. "Until we test it we can't say what it is or where it has come from."
Last March, an Ohio woman claimed that she found a human tooth inside a package of Planters salted cashews. Nickolette Botsford said that, after she realized what she’d had in her mouth, she “vomited several times” and then drove herself to the emergency room. Because the tooth appeared to have dried blood on it, she was treated for “exposure to bodily fluids” and released. Planters’ parent company Kraft Heinz Co. would only state that Botsford had found “a foreign object not expected to be in our product.”
In January 2015, McDonald’s Japan apologized after a customer found a tooth in his French fries. The company investigated the man’s nasty ass discovery and confirmed that, yup, it was a tooth, but couldn’t determine how it ended up in his order. McDonald's Senior Vice President Hidehito Hishinuma told reporters that the tooth hadn’t been cooked, and we’re not sure whether that was supposed to make anyone feel better or worse.
Back in England, Frank and Christine Banks just want to know what happened, and how it happened. “I don't fancy eating fish for a while," she said. And Frank shouldn’t have to: Dude is 94 years old.