In between sociopaths picketing funerals and creationist fundamentalists who pipe-bomb museum dinosaur exhibits, the Republican campaign has been squeezed into a barnyard corner. As a result, they’ve received cease and desist letters for using the music of Twisted Sister, Tom Petty and pretty much every other artist who doesn’t play the banjo.
So, with the election hinging on a few independent voters and the party leaning so far to the right that it resembles a marketable KKK, how’s the Romney-Ryan ticket going to win them over? Well, it could lie with a wild card that moonwalked into their GOP circle-jerk last weekend.
The 25th anniversary reissue of Jacko’s Bad features a "pro-life" symphony with the catchy title of "Song Groove (Abortion Papers)" and a bassline slicker than Todd "Legitirape" Akin dripping with amniotic fluid. This might come as a shock to some, but if you take a short trip down MJ memory lane, you’ll find that he’s actually the perfect Republican poster boy.
Firstly, Christians will commend his parents for fulfilling their God-given duty to birth 10 more believers into the world. Not only did she use her womb as a weapon of mass production, but Katherine Jackson was also a devout Jehovah’s Witness who sent her children preaching in divine door-to-door tag teams across LA.
Then there's the rabidly anti-regulation, free market-worshipping wing of the party that has helped drive the world economy into fiscal collapse, who would love MJ’s philanthropy. Yes, Republicans may be callous Mr. Burns-esque misery barons who don’t want their taxes helping the poor, but that’s exactly why they’d love Jacko.
Their most revered leader of all time, Ronald Reagan, gave him the Presidential Humanitarian Award in ‘84 for the many millions he spent helping addicts and alcoholics. He donated his $1.5 million settlement with Pepsi to the Brotman Medical Centre and his "We Are The World" charity single raised $51.2 million to treat famine in Africa – so that’s all money that Republicans didn’t have to spend on junkies, healthcare and foreigners. The great triumvirate.
Thriller’s spate of singles were also instrumental in helping popularize music videos, not only as a financial promo tool on the home front, loaded with subliminal product placement, but also as a propaganda apparatus beaming US cultural imperialism around the world. In fact, MJ served this purpose himself – in 1988, he sold Pepsi to 150 million of the Soviet proletariat as the star of the first foreign adverts ever broadcast in the S.U.
Wacky J is also an embodiment of the American dream, a concept that gets Republicans all misty-eyed. If it weren’t for MJ’s sweet voice, his family would still be in the gutters of Gary, Indiana, instead of the privileged position that they find themselves in today, squabbling over his many millions and raking in posthumous earnings.
While the "birther" movement continues to allege that Obama is an immigrant Muslim (cos' all brown people do Islam, you guys), MJ’s transformation into a white man is a shining beacon of hope. Hope for a day when all minorities will be given an ethnicity transplant and America will be the way its founding fathers intended.
So, while many of us in the liberal media constantly fool ourselves that mankind surely isn't dumb enough to vote in Mitt Romney, Obama's push out of office could be just a crotch-grab away.