I like slam dunks because I am a boy. There is something deliciously primal about jumping really high and forcefully throwing a ball through a hoop. We measure slam dunks in typically boyish fashion, meaning a slam dunk that involves jumping aggressively into another human being becomes exponentially better. And frankly I don’t care what reductive gender norms I am playing into when I say that watching DeAndre Jordan dunk on Brandon Knight’s body/family/all his future grandchildren excited me on a core fundamental level. Seriously, just watch it. If that doesn’t make you happy we probably won’t have much to talk about on the second date.But here’s the thing, I have no way to relate to the feeling DeAndre Jordan or Brandon Knight had in that brief moment of world-breaking calamity. I’m 6”2 with charmingly innocuous athletic ability—I will never ever be able to slam dunk a basketball, nor have I ever been dunked on because the people I play with are gravity-bound lardasses. I have absolutely no way to relate with the concept of slam-dunking, but I can certainly relate to music. So, because I have too much time on my hands, I selected a few songs to pair with footage of DeAndre’s dunk, and simply wrote what I felt. A musical interpretation of aggressive slam dunking, to bring us all closer to the truth.LANA DEL REY – “NATIONAL ANTHEM”YouTube DoublerBrandon Knight slowly drifts into DeAndre Jordan’s arms. They both knew twilight would eventually come, but neither knew it was going to be this hard. “I…” starts Brandon, awkwardly. “Don’t say it,” Jordan calmly interrupts, “just get on that plane.”WILLIAM BASINSKI – “THE DISINTEGRATION LOOPS”YouTube DoublerThe ravaged corpses were unmistakable, unavoidable, and strangely calming. It’s been far too long since blood has touched this parched land. The moon throbs. Nobody saw the accident. It’s late. It’s only going to get later.FLEETWOOD MAC – “NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN”YouTube DoublerDeAndre Jordan thought about calling Brandon Knight. He’s owed him apology for some time, and in this little roadside diner… well, nostalgia came quickly. He looked at the picture in the wallet, smiled, and dialed the number.MOBB DEEP – “SHOOK ONES, PART II”YouTube DoublerExecutive: “So that’s the new NBA promo, what do you think?”Brandon Knight: “Does it really have to be five minutes long?”PAUL SIMON – “YOU CAN CALL ME AL”YouTube Doubler“Nobody is fucking with Paul Simon today,” said Paul Simon, as he removed his pristine white blazer, “Time to get out on that hardwood and show those bunheads who they’re fucking with.” DeAndre Jordan is staring into a mirror; he notices a scar he hasn’t seen before.THE POSTAL SERVICE – “SUCH GREAT HEIGHTS”YouTube DoublerIt was a simple embrace, just a basketball play. The two men embraced at the height of their jump, time froze. It was nothing they’d felt before, like two halves of a pendant brought together after years of ignorance. They landed and never looked back.LED ZEPPELIN – “OVER THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY”YouTube DoublerBrandon Knight’s spirit was exhumed, slowly drifting upward into the grey skies of Northumbria. “My body may be sodden, but my spirit will live forever in folklore!” He cackled, embracing his Valkyrie.AXL ROSE – “GIMME SOME REGGAE”YouTube DoublerSorry.
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