Would You Bang Zayn Malik?

One Direction have released a music video for their new, chart busting summer smash “Best Song Ever”. It’s a jazz hands bonanza, all Harry Styles on tables and Harry Styles throwing stuff around whilst the other four try and look useful. To make matters worse, the little pop whores have doppelgangered themselves as film executives, meaning that instead of one set of One Directions, we now have two.

In what I can only imagine was a short straw picking throwdown, Zayn, the fit(ter) one with the quiff is playing a "sexy secretary", in a casting shocker of Rocky Horror Picture Show proportions. We went out to try and convince as many people as possible to admit that they wouldn’t say to no to having a go on Zayn Malik when he looks like this:

Come get me boys.

Noisey: What would give this young lady out of ten?

Naj: Five out of ten.

That’s pretty harsh. Do you like anything about her?

Her hair. That’s it.

Would you take her home if you met her in a club?

No.

Thanks Naj. We’re pretty sure you were the most clued up of the bunch.

A lorry drove past when I asked these guys their names, so lets call them Scroobius Pip and Biffy Clyro for the sake of argument.

Noisey: Hello, do you reckon this girl's a fitty?

Scroobius Pip: That’s a man. That’s a CGI man, or a robot. Is it a doll?

What, like a sex doll?

Biffy Clyro: Yeah, it looks like a blow up sex doll. It’s a male sex doll.

It's in fact Zayn from One Direction.

Pip: So we’re winners? We’re not going to be a "Don’t" are we?

…Thanks guys!

Noisey: Hello fellas. What do you think about this woman? Does she do it for you?

Adam: That’s a dude. She’s got a massive forehead and a massive jawline.

You’re really going to town, she could just look like that.

Adam: Yeah that’s quite harsh maybe. Let’s say she’s got prominent male features.

So there’s nothing about her that you find attractive?

Adam: Not particularly. The nose doesn’t do it for me. And I like blondes.

If you had to rate her, what would you give her?

Both: Middle of the ground five.

George: She’s got this secretary steeze going on, and that’s not my steeze at all.

Well it’s Zayn from 1D. Well done on not falling for it.

George: That makes sense. My hair stylist does Niall’s hair.

Cool story. Have a good one.

Sorry to interrupt guys, but do you think this lady is attractive?

Callum: Her hair’s nice, and her specs are quite sexy.

Is the sexy secretary your sort of look?

Callum: Yeah definitely.

What would you give her out of ten?

Jamie: A seven and a half or eight maybe?

That’s solid.

Jamie: Yeah she’s pretty fit.

Did you realise this is a man? She's got a schlong.

Callum: Really? Hahaha! I probably would if she did or she didn’t to be honest.

Turns out most people are wise to dudes looking ladies, though that didn't stop some deviants to confessing that as long as she tucked her dick away, they'd still be keen to have a pop. It's a happy day when One Direction bring out the homoerotic in your average Londoner.

Follow Tamara Roper on Twitter @tamararoper