The Noisey Guide to Desperation at SXSW

If you want to truly appreciate sadness and ennui, SXSW is a fantastic place for your completely illogical desire. It appears at first glance to be a light-hearted romp through the American Southwest, with beer, barbecue ribs and a charmingly quaint focus on dirt roads. Behind that broad, Texas smile is a seedy underbelly of aggressive desperation and unmitigated tragedy. SXSW is going to hurt you, whether you like it or not.

Obnoxious Fliers

SXSW is not just about whatever open bar you can weasel your way into. This event actually serves a real purpose within the entertainment industry. People want you to see their band, movie, improv troupe, stand-up set, 3D printed gun, sentient robot or vegan organic dog food. This means every light pole within a five block radius of the Austin Convention Center is covered in posters advertising something that’s probably stupid.

God bless these folks for their hustle, but I’m guessing they will be unsuccessful in making me interested in K-Pop. I don’t even see Gangnam Style guy on this lineup!

Stupid Bar Names

In Austin, people love to drink. This is especially true during SXSW. There is a litany of run-of-the-mill bars that litter the streets of Downtown Austin. When that many bars exist in such a small area, business owners have to get crafty about promotion. Giving your bar a dumbass name like “Chuggin Monkey” is a sure-fire way to get some cross-eyed tourist to stop in your establishment, because dumbass names are “fun” for some people. There’s a reason “Hooters” is so successful. The double-entendre is just too perfect. There’s actually a bar here in Austin called “Bikinis” where all the waitresses…wear bikinis. Nothing says “I give up on trying to have a quality product” like cheap sex. Next year, I’m hoping to open a little spot on 6th Street called “Cockrings.” Stay tuned.

If you blow ME, the only thing you will find out is that I stopped shaving my pubic hair.

Abusing Drunk People for Attention

After spending $50 on some novelty drink at the “Chuggin Monkey,” you will find yourself being incapable of standing up, walking, moving your lips, keeping your eyes open, or any number of activities actual human beings engage in. People that are slightly less drunk than those pathetic folks feel that it is their duty to take advantage of a fellow partygoer’s lack of motor skills. Either that or they so badly want attention that they will pose for a photo with a person that might actually be dead. At no point was the man in the above photo concerned for the health and safety of the guy with his head in his own crotch. If you are concerned about him, don’t worry. He was a sexual predator.

Being a Sexual Predator

There was enough borderline domestic violence last night to fill an entire season of Law & Order: SVU. The gentleman in this picture had a real sweet tooth for the comely lass across from him. He was all, “Make out with me, bitch!” and she was all, “You’re hurting me.” After my friends and I spent 20 minutes berating him for potentially being a rapist, he walked away, but not before dragging this poor woman through the party by her arm and begging her to have sex with him. I have never needed sex so much that I would accost a clearly disinterested woman. I did scream at a woman for trying to steal the pedicab I’d been waiting an hour for, but she deserved it.

Anyway, I appreciate you all reading this firsthand account of desperation at SXSW. Your attention is valued, but it is very important that you go the extra mile. I need you all to like this article, to like me, to let me know that I matter in this “New Media landscape.” Tweet this. Share it on Facebook. Post the above picture on Instagram. I am social media. Share me. Follow me. Love me. Need me. If you don’t validate me, I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I can assure you that it will include me crying, frozen pizza and a gym sock; not necessarily in that order. All I want is a Facebook notification that says “You’re OK.” I’m just trying to spread the word on “me.” Hope you can help.

All Dave Schilling wants is your love. He's on Twitter - @dave_schilling