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The Noisey Guide to the New $1,200 Sony Walkman

Everything you need to know about the hottest musical electronic device!

by Noisey Staff
Jan 7 2015, 8:36pm

Hey technophiles! This week we’ve got a hot new update for you from the world of music electronics. Audio scientists have been hard at work cooking up new ways of listening to music in high definition, and this week at the Consumer Electronics Show, the world got its first look at the Sony Walkman ZX2, heir to the Sony Walkman ZX1, itself heir to the entire Sony Walkman legacy. The reviews have been pouring in, and all of them agree on one thing: The Sony Walkman ZX2 is a portable music player that will retail for $1,199.99. That may sound like a hefty price tag, but the Sony Walkman ZX2 is loaded with features! Read on to find out more about them in Noisey’s exclusive preview:

FEATURES

– You can pick it up or put it down. Whatever you like. Completely customizable.

– It has Wi-Fi to access the internet. (The internet has music on it.)

– It isn’t limited to one genre of music. If you have multiple favorite types of music, you can play every single kind. (Rap and country too.)

– We haven’t tried, but you can probably listen to jazz on it.

– If there’s a band you like, you can listen to their albums with it.

– It holds more than 12 songs.

– Do you enjoy listening to music on headphones? With the new Sony Walkman, you can plug your headphones in and listen away!

– With the Sony Walkman ZX2, you can listen to music on the go, whenever you want, just like you used to do on your classic Walkman! #tbt anyone?

– Want to listen to music loudly? Quietly? Whatever volume you like, you can set it to that volume.

– If you hear a song you like on the radio, you can probably download that song and then play it.

– In the old days, you had to carry around your music collection in a CD binder. Now you can carry it around in your pocket. How? The Sony Walkman is how.

– You can listen to any song twice or even three times if you want.

– Sometimes you just want to listen to that favorite song.

– Do you like The Beatles? Well, you can listen to The Beatles on the Sony Walkman.

– If you like to roller skate, you can listen to it while roller skating.

– It’s like an iPod.

– The Sony Walkman plays digital files up to 24-bit/192 kHz (MP3, WMA, AAC, FLAC, AIFF, WAV, ALAC and importantly DSD). Those are all kinds of music. So if you have different kinds of music, this will play that music.

– You can listen to music while traveling—on a plane, in a car, or on a train.

– You can place some cool, edgy stickers on the back that will let people know you’re really into that alt-music life.

– You can listen to the Sony Walkman while smoking a cigarette.

– There are all kinds of songs in the world. Happy songs, sad songs, angry songs, songs that make you feel like having a good time, and more. Whatever mood you’re in, you can listen to a song for that mood, provided you legally own that song.

– Uh, vinyl, ever heard of it? The Sony Walkman is like that.

PROS

– It fits in your pocket! Don’t have pockets? No problemo, you can hold it in your hand! Don’t have hands? Have a friend hold it for you!

– Anyone can own one if they buy it!

– The Sony Walkman weighs well under 600 lbs. Much better for on-the-go music-listening than, let’s say, a tank with a radio in it.

– If you’ve bought the Sony Walkman, this definitely means you’re wealthy, and being rich is awesome.

– If you don’t like a song, you can just click a button and skip it and listen to the next song, and if you don’t like that one, you can skip to the one after it. Or you can listen to it. It’s up to you.

– You can listen to your favorite song.

– You can listen to your favorite album.

– Parents suck. With the new Sony Walkman, you can totally tune those lame olds out while you listen to the best tunes in the backseat of the minivan.

CONS

– For audiophiles only. Not an audiophile? Step the fuck off, you fucking poser. Go peddle that n00b bullshit somewhere else, you wack piece of shit. This is for motherfuckers who can handle their music, bro. Not little pussy boys like you. You probly still on some Talkboy shit like you Kevin McCallister in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, huh? Yeah that’s you. Little pussy-ass Home Alone lost in the big city shit. Run that shit to that bird lady in Central Park, you mp3-listening fuck. This is some real Sony audiophile shit, motha fucka. Go die, fuckboy.

– No camera.

CONCLUSION

It plays music.