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Noisey

Ice-T Has Recorded a Dungeons and Dragons Audiobook

“They were talking about ‘pegasuses’ and ‘pegasi.’ That’s horses with wings. This motherfucker got a sword that talks to him… Motherfuckers live in places that don’t exist, and it comes with a map. My God.”

by Ryan Bassil
Feb 6 2014, 4:13pm

Like the cause of the First World War or Vita Coco, gangsta rap has birthed a lot of differing opinions. The sound of NWA’s “Alwayz Into Somethin’” is either an iconic music pinpoint, the assonance of gunning down virtual Ballas off of Grove Street, or a conspiracy invented by the FBI to help fill jails.

Unlike pop punk, whose middle-aged former stars still wear board shorts to bed and make beer-bellied BBQ rock like this, Compton’s celebrated have rebranded their image. Snoop Dogg is a Reddit-frequenting Rastafarian who has his own stage on Tekken, Dr. Dre sells over-priced headphones to commuters, and Ice Cube makes films that will never be as good as Friday.

But while Snoop, Dre, and Cube clearly know what they’re doing, Ice-T—star of reality show Ice Loves Coco, Law and Order, and inventing gangsta rap—walks into jobs without a shred of knowledge. How do we know this? Because he’s recorded a Dungeons and Dragons audiobook.

Speaking on his podcast, Ice explained: “They didn’t tell me this was a motherfuckin’ Dungeons & Dragons book. [It’s] some of the most crazy, deep, deep nerd shit.”

“Motherfuckers talk like Yoda.”

“They were talking about ‘pegasuses’ and ‘pegasi.’ That’s horses with wings. This motherfucker got a sword that talks to him… Motherfuckers live in places that don’t exist, and it comes with a map. My God.”

The ordeal, which took three and a half hours to read just 25 pages, was described by Ice-T as “impossible." I know that sounds like an overstatement, but when you consider that the majority of people don’t know anything about Dungeons and Dragons other than it being the butt of a really easy character portrayal, it’s probably true. What is it? Does anyone you know play it? Shit is impossible to even hear about, let alone understand.

If Ice-T needs some help, though, then he should revise by combining with something that he loves. Like…. Rapping!

Shouts to Katie Bee, got that D&D rap game on lock. Includes lyrics like, “I can be anything you want me to be, as long as it’s an RPG based fantasy” before morphing into something that sounds like it was made by an elf that operates the lights inside Cyberdog.

Daaaaaaaaaamn girl! You’ve got that fire! Like Katie Bee above, this video also features colour morphing backgrounds which is something I haven’t seen anyone experiment with since the days of MSN Plus.

OMG, Ice-T would be really into this one. Stepping onto the scene with an outfit like Ad-Rock if he grew up riding bikes in Europe, dude can flow over Wu Tang’s “C.R.E.A.M”.

“Yo, what up G. Let me tell you about D&D” spits this guy, and with that I’m sure I’ve had my fill of YouTube for the day.

Follow Ryan on Twitter: @RyanBassil