We Asked Neil Hamburger About Current Musical Acts and We May Never Be Able to Stop Laughing

Photo by Robyn Von Swank

Neil Hamburger refers to himself as “America’s Funnyman” and if you’re familiar with his work, it’s hard to contest that he’s got one of the most idiosyncratic and inventive senses of humor around today. From making fun of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Metallica to personally attacking social media managers for companies like AXE body spray and Burger King via Twitter, no one is free of Hamburger’s hilarious brand of criticism.

To celebrate the release of his latest album First Of Dismay, which comes out next week—and features a disco complaint letter written to Kirkland Signature trash bags that features guest spots from members of the Germs and Jefferson Starship—we thought we would catch up with Hamburger to hear his thoughts on some current musical acts, knowing full well that he tends to favor the classics.

“I hope I can answer your questions and it's not some sort of test because a lot of the newer groups, I'm not always up on what they're doing… for good reason in most cases,” he explained to us up front. Correspondingly, the results are exactly what you might expect and we mean that in the best way possible. But that’s our life.

“Drake? That’s some guy. I don’t know, I think I’ve seen him around. Is he a popular guy? (We explain that he is pretty popular.) He’s the one that beats everybody up, is that Drake? I don’t know. (We say we think he is thinking of someone else.) Oh he sounds abysmal, I don’t know him and I don’t want to know him. They’ve got this new thing on some of the more expensive phones where if you hear something and want to buy it, you press a button and hold it up in the air and it tells you what it is. I use it when I’m in some supermarket or convenience store and I hear something that’s making my blood boil. This is the best tool that there ever is for building a list of enemies, you know what I’m talking about? (We do.) I don’t think I’ve seen Drake’s name come up.”

“He married that pig woman, didn’t he? That just goes to show that you can have all the money in the world and—God knows why—be very, very popular and you still end up with something like that. You think that he’d have a better choice. If you’re stuck on one of these Survivor islands or something and you’re down to the last two or three people, then maybe you end up with somebody like her but that’s not the way real life works. I would have thought that he would have more options than to end up with such a ghastly person—and of course it calls into question the meaning in any of the songs that he sings because if you’re a fan of a singer and then you find out the guy spent ten hours a day squatting in the inside of a chemical toilet and letting people shit on him, it’s hard to take some of his songs seriously. I’m not saying that’s what this guy did but it’s not far removed from it if you’ve ever seen any of these Kardashian television programs.”

“I think she’s very trivial, I don’t think that’s anything anyone needs to worry about. It’s like ‘dust in the wind’ as they used to say, it’s not going to be a long-lasting career. There’s just nothing there, you can blow into a straw and you get a similar sound to what she does at her fiercest. It’s not the music that anyone would really want to listen to. Why is it still out there? Well, you get some of these sicko marketers with their minds on cocaine or whatever rand they push these things through and there’s nothing you can do but wait until they fade away.”

“She had some hits way back when but I don’t think anyone pays attention to her now. You get your oldies but goodies and then you get your oldies but not-so-goodies and I think that’s what she’s turned into. It’s not like you’re Diana Ross where people are still going to listen to the Supremes and it puts a smile on your face. With Beyoncé, I couldn’t name a song she’s ever done. I don’t think if you stopped ten people on the street that any of them could either.”

“[His music is] very, very bad quality. I’d rather have somebody open the door to my motel room and let in 150 mosquitoes that they stole from one of these medical labs and have them buzz in my ear all night than have that Jay-Z garbage buzzing in my ear. I’m not interested in people who talk excessively about some expensive jewelry or this type of thing. This guy seems like he’s got real problems and it’s not music I would put on in my spare time.”

“This is just somebody that has no career. I’ve never heard of this person and hopefully I’ll keep it that way. You’re talking about lyrics that are one-syllable, two- or three-letter-long gibberish that’s just thrown together and they try to have a career with it but I’m not seeing longevity there.

“The baseball player from the Giants? (We explain that he’s the R&B singer who beat up Rihanna.) I’m sorry but as I mentioned earlier, if you listen to Mrs. Ross or the Four Tops, there’s something going on to listen to. Guys like the Four Tops are great entertainers who really learned their craft and look great dressed up; these guys would come out in suits and ties and put on a fantastic show. I saw the Four Tops at the Paris Casino in Sparks, Nevada, some years ago and it was just a great example of showmanship. Unlike these guys like a Chris Brown who just comes out and flips a couple of switches so his voice sounds like some nightmare from one of these horror science-fiction films. It’s not much of a show, not much of a presentation. Then these guys have personal problems that really overwhelm what marginal talent they actually do have.”

“I think they should be put in the nearest dumpster and hauled off to the dump as soon as possible because that’s just garbage music and you’ll get a hemorrhage of the ear drum. They have nothing other to say than ‘We like to crap in your bowl of oatmeal and serve it up to a vampire,’ those type of witless lyrics. Then they’re dirty people: You get the matted beards and they don’t wash so the costumes smell bad and the whole thing just puts you off your meal. I’m sorry but the whole heavy metal scene is completely the domain of just dirty low-lifes and people who really have problems that they need to face at some point.”

Jonah Bayer is on Twitter, tweeting about how Taco Bell gave him diarrhea - @mynameisjonah

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