Examples Of Great Music You've Been Told To Hate

People cuss kids for being hipsters the whole time, but I’ve always been of the opinion that it’s fine to like new things, dress in weird clothes and go to fun parties. Last time I checked, that was called "being young". In fact, I’ve always had a suspicion that the kids doing the cussing, are a little bit jelly that they either don’t get it or they’re not invited to the parties, because they’re self righteous stick-in-the-muds who ruin fun with their insufferable humorlessness.

But obviously there’s a bunch of stuff that’s gross about trendy folks too. The worst one being how everyone’s such a dork about music. Sure, it’s nice to like weird stuff and be discerning and all that, but the fuss you make about credibility and artistry in music is making you look like a bunch of self righteous stick-in-the-muds who ruin fun… JUST LIKE THE PEOPLE YOU HATE.

To illustrate my point, I’m going to name three things that the virgins at Pitchfork and speccy speccy four eyes’ at the Guardian would definitely cuss, and I’m going to say why they’re great.

Post-Danzig Misfits

The accusation from people with sticks in their butts

If it’s not Danzig, it’s not the Misfits, it’s just some old guys trying to make a buck by cheapening their legacy. We should pour derision on them and then cut out their eyes.

The fun truth

In the mid-90s they took the old Misfits blueprint and they got a singer who could sing. Then they developed as musicians, got a decent producer in, worked out way harder in the gym and they got a big label (Roadrunner) behind them. That’s fucking great.

So stop crying tears of possessive rage for a second, and think about what the original Misfits were about: schlock, exploitation and crooning. What’s schlockier than some washed up New Jersey Guido body builders in their forties signing to a pop-metal label? I can’t think of anything more exploitative than writing new, extra poppy music to capitalize on a long dead band’s good name. And don’t tell me Danzig wouldn’t have sung like Michale Graves if he could have. They became exactly what they wanted to be all along, and the songs are catchy as hell. Go buy American Psycho, it’s full of sweet jams.

Rich Hil

The accusation from people with sticks in their butts

Tommy Hilfiger’s son doing music only poor black people are allowed to make. What a spoilt little cunt, let’s go to his house and kill him.

The fun truth

Don’t you find the idea of a rich delinquent with LA style gang tattoos that (probably ironically) rep his exclusive Connecticut neighbourhood fascinating? Some people would defend him by saying you should just listen to the music, but knowing he’s a rich brat completely adds to the hazy, prescription-druggy, high-in-a-hotel-room-y, bratty vibe. Listening to his stuff makes me feel extremely glamorous, and I like that. Also, he seems like he’d be fun to hang out with.

Post Black Album Metallica

The accusation from people with sticks in their butts

How dare these rich dicks make albums that aren’t their first five albums? Even worse, they deviated from their original sound and used different production styles! Let’s all rape Lars Ulrich!

The Fun Truth

Well, I just tried to listen to them, and I can’t in good conscience tell you that Load and ReLoad couldn’t have benefited from being cut down to one record, but you could still file them under ‘For fans of Buckcherry’ and some people wouldn’t be disappointed. Let’s actually not talk about those and move straight to St. Anger, which everyone thinks is weak/uninspired/not made in 1988.

The main complaints from metal nerds about St. Anger is that the drums don’t sound right, they were too tinny and the snare was weird sounding, and the guitars blown out. Whut? You guys don’t think that’s cool? Imagine being in one of the biggest bands in the world and having the balls to put out something that sounded so lo-fi and rowdy? You all jock Slayer for being uncompromising, but those pussies put out a fucking nu-metal record! Metallica put D Beat drums and Black Flag guitar sound in the top forty. So Kerry King can suck my dick, and I know he wouldn’t like that, because he hates gay people.

But then, about a year after St. Anger came out, the metal press started beating off about new Darkthrone and hardcore kids started dick-riding crust bands like Tragedy and Disfear. Coincidence? Definitely not. Also, I could watch the "St. Anger" video all day long. All. Day.

So, if I wanted to exceed the socially acceptable limit of 1,000 words of writing online, I’d also tell you that NOFX are brilliant musical geniuses, how Chino Moreno’s side project, Team Sleep, sound like Smashing Pumpkins playing shoegaze, and why Lil Wayne’s guitar album has some great moments on it. So there.

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