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Seven Ways to Put the Heat Back in Your Beat

Right now, the internet is holding our dingles hostage, but here are a few ways to set them free.

With internet porn-consumption reaching staggering new heights each year, sadly, many of us are becoming desensitized to masturbation. What was once the most anticipated part(s) of our day has become routine—an unconscious act in our growing repertoire of multitasks. If you find yourself falling into a masturbation slump, you might simply need to freshen things up a bit. Here are a few simple scenarios to put some perk back in your jerk.


The Sassy Tourist

Drive to a beautiful scenic overlook along a mountain road. Get out and find a nice, older couple to take a picture of you. When they look at the screen of your camera, they’ll see an earlier picture you took of yourself masturbating. When they look up, you’ll actually be masturbating. A healthy mix of mountain air and exhibitionism can really do the trick.


The PB&J

Get a jar of peanut butter. You might already know where this one is headed. Now get a jar of jelly and a loaf of bread. Make some PB&J sandwiches and hand them out at a mission in the city. A mission near the peep booth where you’ll deservedly stop to masturbate on the way home with a very clear conscience.


The Pom-Pom Party

Dress up like a cheerleader. A sad cheerleader who doesn’t seem to have what it takes to make the squad. Change into the outfit of a coach who holds this fragile cheerleader’s fate in his hands. Change back into the cheerleader’s outfit as she begins to realize what she needs to do to make the team. Change back into the coach who lowers his clipboard and raises his eyebrow knowingly at the cheerleader. Change back into the cheerleader who looks away coyly while licking her lips. At this point, you’ll likely realize this could take hours, decide to change back into your regular clothes, watch some porn and whack it.


The Naughty Pilgrim

Go to Plimoth Plantation, the famous recreation site of the first English settlers. Dress in the traditional garb of a young 17th century colonial man so you’ll blend in. As they get into one of their scripted scenes in front of a crowd of rapt tourists, step forward and interject with a steamy monologue about your secret love affair with a native Wampanoag woman. Get very graphic about the freaky stuff you two have been doing in her teepee, then abruptly leave the stunned crowd, sneak into a stone hut and churn the old butter, as they say. The actor’s adrenaline pumping through you will make this a memorable one.


The Muppet Sac

Draw the two old curmudgeons from the balcony of the Muppet Show on your ball sac. Just when you can’t take anymore of their bitching and moaning, masturbate and watch them shrivel and disappear as your testicles retract. This one’s as humorous and gratifying as you’re imagining it.


The Awkward Metaphor

Buy a sausage making machine, several pounds of ground pork, and a package of natural casings. Proceed to make links of sausage for hours while listening to Air Supply’s Greatest Hits. There’s a good chance this will unlock some really weird stuff for you, leading to a confusing but very tender spank session.


The Relieved Inmate

Volunteer at a prison just long enough to get sodomized by some inmates. When you get home, your innocent hand will be a welcome change from all the nonconsensual ass-play.

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