A new column about everyone's three favorite things.
These three words laced together are a cliche for a reason. As Ian Dury taught us, "sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll is all my brain and body need." While we forget rib eye served with beurre blanc, one can't deny the necessity these three forces hold in our existence. In this column you'll get a hit of each, like doing a line of blow at the moment of orgasm in your tent at Bonnaroo, baby.
SEX - The Beginner's Guide to Butt Plugs
If you are unfamiliar with butt plugs, then we have very different tastes in porn. A butt plug is basically a dildo for your ass, yet usually shorter and wider, dare I say more "chode-like." The key to a butt plug is relaxation and plenty of lube. I recommend Liquid Silk, its texture is more natural and less like melted Jolly Ranchers than other brands.
Butt plugs allow you to experience the pleasure of double penetration without having to invite a scary new penis into your bedroom. Horsetail butt plugs allow you to whip your work-horse whore to shreds. Jeweled butt plugs allow you to feel like a Pretty Pretty Princess.
So, back to basics. You enjoy the pleasant pressure of a finger in the ass and you're ready to take it to the next level. What is the right butt plug for you? I recommend Doc Johnson's "Pop Plugs," available at Babeland for $21. Pink for the stink, they come in small, medium, and large. Don't make the common mistake of having eyes bigger than your asshole, start with a small then work your way up.
Every butthole is different. Some people enjoy coming with the plug still inside, others find having their partner pull the plug out at the brink of orgasm especially exhilarating. As in life, every now and then, shit happens. True love means not laughing at your partner's poop stains.
DRUGS - Psilocybin Pez
Now, let's shift gears from expanding our buttholes to expanding our minds. Personally, if I'm going to play Candy Land, I'd much prefer a good old fashioned LSD-laced sugar cube. Yet for my non-diabetic shroom lovers - Psilocybin Pez allows you to summon your Patronus without chewing dried up dogshit.
A great deal of synthetic psilocybin (the stuff in magic mushrooms that gets you high) is created by chemists in Amsterdam. (I'd like to thank Breaking Bad for creating a pop culture vehicle that explains "chemist" as a synonym for "drug manufacturer.") One method of ingestion is via nasal inhaler, for $100 you can purchase a bottle containing 150 sprays, providing an instant trip. However, the compound can basically be added to anything, notably Pez candy. (You hear that Brooklyn moms? Don't let your kids trick or treat in East Williamsburg!)
My source, an engineer and Phish fan, tells me if you turn over the candy the dugout section is filled with "slightly golden-brown crystals" and has a slightly bitter taste. He suggests slowly nibbling on on a single piece throughout the night to control your experience. As always, use psychedelics infrequently and responsibly, to open your mind and make you less of an asshole.
ROCK 'N' ROLL - Wildlife Control
Wildlife Control is the happy and scrappy self-titled debut album from bi-coastal brothers Neil and Sumul Shaw. If this column was adapted into a Steve McQueen film, now would be the moment where we'd all take Pez backstage after their show and I'd fuck them both, butt plug included.
Wildlife Control is youthful yet insightful. It feels like lying by a pool you broke into, young and drunk, next to someone you loved while looking at the stars knowing in your heart the world has a fuck ton more in store for you. A sprinkling of steel pan, an ode to each hipster hometown, ("Brooklyn" and "Oakland"), clever surprises add dimension to an already essential summer album.
Neil was nice enough to give us a free download of their super fun single "Analog or Digital." Aside from describing the hodge-podge manner in which the album was recorded, it's a delightful tune recalling fancying a girl for her music taste. The self-titled debut album drops July 31.