Karaoke Terrorist

Two Thanksgivings ago me and the Mrs. went to Hawaii with the Red Bull Skateboard team. Each night we went to the karaoke bar at the hotel next door and sang like we were trying to get on American Idol. Ron Deily impersonated everyone he sang, which was mostly Bruce Springsteen.

My friend Zered Bassett sang songs from The Wedding Singer and Old School just so he could curse real loud into the microphone. We loved it. Some people in the audience did not. They took it pretty seriously.

There were some ringers in the house. Like Jazzman. And Wally who exclusively did Frank Sinatra. And Larry, who only did Zeppelin songs. But to our surprise, we had our own ringer by the name of Ben Colen. Ben was captivating. He moved the crowd, involved everyone in the room and chose real fun, good time songs. I hope he does birthdays because I'd like to hire him for my kid's party.

There was one woman who went by the name of Rocky and refused to get onstage when she sang. She insisted on singing from her chair. It would be one thing if she was a paraplegic but she was not. She was young and halfway decent looking. And she was singing nearly every third song. From her seat. And each time I got more and more angry. And when I get angry I drink and when I drink when I'm angry I get angrier. Eventually I came to a boil and I had them play "The Star Spangled Banner" and I went on stage and instead of singing I spoke directly to Rocky and told her that I have a lot of friends in the military who are serving in Iraq and putting their lives on the line so that we could have the freedom to stand on a karaoke stage and sing and every time she sings from her seat terrorism wins; it's like she's crashing a plane into our hearts over and over again. I told her to stand up and be an American. Or die. The crowd applauded me and bought me beers all night afterwards.

And you can bet your sweet ass that Rocky stood on stage for every song she sung after that.

Fuck Rocky.