It Ain't Gonna Suck Itself!

Rating: 4


The sad thing about the title of this film is that it's true; it's not going to suck itself. As a teenager I would lie in the tall grass down by the brook, looking up at the clouds moving across the gray Jersey sky, dreaming of a future when it would be possible for it to suck itself. I envisioned a world where all penises could bend and fold in a way that would make the impossible seem ordinary. I'd think to myself: "Someday, somehow, I'm going to get out of this town, and I know, just across that county line, anything will be possible." But it wasn't. I've crossed every county and state line in this great nation of ours, and nothing has changed. Two decades later, my dick still cannot suck itself.

I'm not saying I've given up hope—not yet, not with a black president in office—but I just don't know if it's going to happen in my lifetime. Time is passing me by, and my penis and every dong I see in porn seems exactly as they were in the past century. All I can do is pray that my sons will enjoy a better way of life that allows them to work hard and know that their blowjobs will not depend on anyone else. I have to believe that there are better days ahead and that the wangs of tomorrow will be marvelous, self-sufficient creatures.

Because as I watch nine girls attempt to suck faceless men to completion, I can't help but think that not getting a blowjob would be better than any of the blowjobs in this movie. Some girls acted like they'd never seen a pecker before, barely holding the rod with two fingers, as if they were trying to avoid dropping a fragile beaker full of I-Have-No-Fucking-Idea-What-I'm-Doing. I felt the same giddiness one experiences while watching blind people navigate a maze. Was she going to put it in her ear? Her eye socket? Oh my God, she's completely lost! I wish they still showed porn on America's Funniest Home Videos, because any one of these girls would have won big bucks.

As the saying goes: If you want a job done right, you have to do it yourself. And since I'm not getting any ribs removed, I really need scientists to perfect this self-sucking cock already. Not for me. Never for me. But for my children. I don't want them to suffer the way I did as a child, enduring toothy, uncoordinated BJs, having to explain, "It can go in farther," or "Goddamn it, look me in the eyes," or "We could get through this a whole lot quicker if you just try and get your mouth and hand to sync up," to every other girl. It's mentally exhausting having to constantly train and retrain talent (and I use that word loosely), and I don't want that kind of life for my boys. So I beg of you, Santa/Jesus/Allah/Easter Bunny/whoever is on duty today, please, oh please, hurry the fuck up and let it suck itself already.

More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com.