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Social Media Dipshits: Stop Treating Us Like Fuckwits

And stop calling yourselves "social media snipers," "digital Sinatras," "digital inventionists," "technology whisperers," "content kings," "brand activators," "brand pollinators," and "change agents" (all terms pulled from actual Twitter bios of social...

Attention social media managers: Stop calling yourselves "social media snipers," "digital Sinatras," "digital inventionists," "technology whisperers," "content kings," "brand activators," "brand pollinators," and "change agents" (all terms pulled from actual Twitter bios of social media “pros”).

What you are: admen and adwomen. Every update you create is a little ad for your brand; a free (FREE!) golden opportunity to be smart, funny, emotional, informative… something, anything other than moronic.

And yet, here we are again. According to my lazy research on social media “content” makers—via personal experience and my Twitter followers—almost all of these social media dipshits appear to be in their 20s. Are older, tech-averse brand and marketing managers really handing the social media keys to recent college grads just because they know some code and Photoshop? That’s just plain dumb, for reasons I have outlined below.

Strongbow

Anthropomorphizing your product is a popular ad concept, but creatively speaking, it’s lazy as hell. Still, it's been very effective for many brands—M&M’s, the Scrubbing Bubbles, creepy naked Mr. Peanut, etc.

Strongbow is the world’s biggest-selling cider and, according to Wikipedia, “named after the knight Richard de Clare, later Earl of Pembroke, nicknamed 'Strongbow' for relying heavily on Welsh archers during campaigns in Ireland where at the time the Irish had few bows and relied on javelins.”

“Maguire” (as in “Jerry Maguire”) is an Irish surname. If only one of those Irish javelin throwers (possibly named Maguire) had had better aim, maybe there wouldn’t have been a Strongbow cider, and then I wouldn’t have been subjected to this abjectly stupid Facebook post.

Tic Tac & Groupon

These word-“challenge” brand Facebook posts have become ubiquitous. Whoever the first dipshit to do this was should be forced to answer to the world in a tribunal court. Do the executives at Tic Tac really think that, because 100 or so people “engaged” with this post, it has polished their brand image? They must be “delirious” (which fits, WHADDA I WIN?).

I don’t know what word Groupon’s Facebook maven had in mind with this “intelligence” test, but ASSHOLE works.

Viva

Viva loves a good story (and pathetic attempts at free research), but don’t expect them to write one. OK, Viva, here’s one: I just had lunch with a man last week who said he stuffs a paper towel up his crack every day to absorb ass sweat (true story). He said Brawny towels suck because they fall apart easily. He didn’t mention Viva, though. I’d like to see this product demo commercial. I’ll write it and produce it, if interested.

Orange

Orange is a $46 billion telecommunications company. First question: Are South Africans so especially stupid that this would qualify as a “brain teaser”? Second question: Who the hell would share this “challenge” with their friends—besides Posh, and maybe Monica Lewinsky?

Maytag

Many brands tried to tie themselves to 3/14. None did it lazier than Maytag. For those of you unfamiliar with the brand’s advertising, the Maytag repairman is always unhappy because he never works. It’s a good, long-running concept. Having him play the part of an oven is kinda funny. But why is there a turkey in his lap? Could it be that they’ve just recycled their Thanksgiving Facebook post with a different headline (yes)? Also, the second sentence positions you, the consumer, as brain-dead, as in not smart.

HP

What kind of a question is this? What I suspect is going on here is that these are just the two beverages that HP’s Facebook guru drinks while surfing on his/her deck, so he/she turned those moments into this marvy piece of engagement. Very proactive.

McDonald’s

The full quote is: “A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.” Shakespeare wrote it. But that is not the Bard. It looks like Ben Franklin with a wig on? Sure, why not. Shakespeare was bony, and Ben looked like the kind of guy who would slam a couple of Big Macs for lunch. McDonald’s paid for this post, but look at those glorious engagement numbers. Do you Gen Yers just click on every digital social button you come across?

Charmin

Like on Pi Day, social media pros desperately searched their skulls for how to connect their brands with St. Patrick’s Day.

This is what Charmin’s Twidiot tweeted. First off, the ellipsis is the ad punctuation mark of the moron—every good copywriter knows this. That, and the condescending second line of copy completely ruin the smidge of creativity in the first line. Also—and this is just a personal note because I have IBS—fuck you, Charmin.

Half of the blame for this dumbing down of social media posts goes to all of you zombies who “engage” with this crap, thus helping the dipshits hit their metric marks, thus empowering them to steal more content ideas from old Highlights magazines. But as much as ye olde tyme ad and marketing guys would like to see social media disappear, it ain’t going nowhere, and it’s getting more vital for brands every year. You’d think more of these companies would start understanding that metrics don’t mean diddly squat.

Or maybe the internet has just made everybody—returning to Shakespeare—“dumb as a doornail.”

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