How to stop your big fat feelings from getting in the way.
This post originally appeared on VICE UK.
Sex has to be one of life's simplest pleasures. D'Angelo knows it; Calum Best knows it; Rihanna knows it; shit, even that weird lead singer from The Bloodhound Gang knows it. So it's strange that human nature often complicates what should be such a simple thing; instead of being able to just enjoy it for what it is, we often completely ruin casual sexual relationships by, you know, actually engaging with each other's personalities and developing feelings for one another and appreciating each other for more than just the sex.
But what if you could have sex with no strings? Become "fuck buddies" with someone without it souring when one of you inevitably gets more caught up in the relationship that the other? Sounds unlikely, right?
Maybe, but it's not impossible. I spoke to three sets of fuck buddies about how they successfully kept it casual.
HANS AND GRACE
VICE: Hello guys, tell me about how you first met.
Hans: Tinder, probably two years ago!
How long after that did you start having sex?
Grace: Good question! Like maybe after hanging with him twice? I remember seeing him at... can't say which club.
Did you talk about how it was going to be with the two of you, or did you just leave it open?
Grace: Casual, hey! Kinda just happened, though—it wasn't talked about.
Hans: It 100 percent wasn't a confirmed fuck buddy system; it was just a Friday night thing, once in a blue moon, and sometimes would be every two weeks, or maybe once a month.
Yeah, how often do you hook up?
Grace: I used to sleep over at his loads because I'd be out and about south side, where he lived, and it made it a lot easier than me going home.
Hans: Often on Fridays or being out and about.
How have you kept it casual? Did either of you start to develop feelings at all?
Hans: There may have been fucked conversations, but we never subject ourselves to intense feelings, really! We're actually really close mates now.
Grace: Yeah, I remember bringing it up sort of, but beating around the bush about it all when we were mashed (drunk) once.
Hans: We're just mates now, and sleep over without having sex.
Grace: Yeah, now we hang without the bang.
Has it ever got awkward?
Grace: Nah, not at all.
Hans: Not at all, really. Not even when we were both getting with others. It's all a laugh.
Really? No jealousy?
Hans:I think it's all about not catching the feels.
Grace: In all honesty, he did go away for like six months, so even if there were any form of feels forming, he was kinda gone anyway. Then he came back, became friends with my friends, and hey presto, we became best buddies instead.
Hans: I back what Grace said there. We were talking here and there before I left. Before then, our friend group knew each other but not too well. After coming back I'd met all her mates at a festival in Croatia. Come festival season over here, we were all really close and just became close mates. So, in a way, the fuck buddy two-year escapade turned out to be a good friendship.
Do you think the sex was what made you come back, or was it the comfort of always knowing you'd be there for each other?
Grace: Oh yeah, I probably went over just for a cuddle sometimes, for sure.
So if you had any advice to give to other fuck buddies, it would be: don't catch feelings and get really wasted?
Grace: Never catch feels.
Hans: Always show respect, too!
Grace: Yeah, I reckon knowing what each other is about helps loads.
Hans: Also, manage your distance well, which was easy for us as we lived at other sides of city. But yes: don't catch feelings, and get really muntered (drunk and on ecstasy) together.
PATRICK AND SAM
How did you guys meet?
Sam: It was just a random uni night out—I can't remember who spoke to who first, but he did come back with me. Patrick can tell you about that.
Patrick: I remember meeting her in the smoking area outside this club called Junk. Asking for a lighter is a good conversation starter.
Sam: They were very messy nights. He was way more fucked than I was, though.
Patrick: I was fully pissed (drunk).
Sam: It ended with him vomiting in my sink in my lovely en suite and me sending him home. I'm sure you still tried it on with your sicky (vomity) breath, too.
So presumably you didn't hook up at this point—you were just vomiting on her, Patrick?
Sam: I sent him home and had to sort out all the sick in my sink. It was a very long night. God knows why I spoke to him again, but I did. Patrick, can you remember the first time?
Patrick: You came back to mine a couple weeks later.
How did that go down?
Patrick: It just sort of happened naturally. We both enjoyed it. She was surprised at how good I was; she said, "I didn't expect you to be that good."
Sam: Oh my god, please—were those details necessary?
Patrick: I think so!
So what did you guys do the morning after? Did you talk about keeping it causal, or anything, or were you just both like, "Whatever"?
Sam: Just both like, "Whatever." I think we knew. I think I snuck out without saying anything, actually? Before he woke up.
Patrick: Yeah, it was like that—she didn't stay long the morning after. I can't remember if I saw her leave or not.
Sam: I definitely got dressed in the dark.
Why so shady Sam?
Patrick: Yeah, why so shady?
Sam: To be fair, at least I stayed the night. Usually I couldn't stand sleeping next to the dude, especially if they're as cuddly as Patrick. He was like a limpet. Fucking hell—I mean... the deed is done; you get on with your day.
So how did it go after that? How many times did you hook up afterwards?
Sam: Pretty often, after a lot of nights out, so I dunno—maybe once a week? Maybe more or less, depending on what was going on. I think it was alright, to be fair. We never argued about other people we were seeing, kept it fairly low-key—but obviously my housemates knew.
Did you develop feelings for each other at all?
Sam: I really want to know the answer to this. Years of waiting—was I not enough for you, Patrick?
Patrick: Yeah, she is a very attractive girl and knows exactly what she's doing. But we both weren't gonna settle and we liked it the way it was. If we settled, we might not be here speaking to you today.
Did it ever get awkward?
Sam: I kissed his housemate one time; no recollection of that, either, until the housemate texted me the next day flirting. Pat ignored my entire existence for weeks. I even had to take him aside in the club, and he lied that his phone was broken. But he eventually forgave me—I got a text one morning while I was on a trip in Paris.
Patrick: Other than that, just the one time.
Sam: What one time?
Patrick: The time I went back to [yours], and I can't remember why exactly, but we argued about something and [you] threatened to chuck my phone out the window.
Sam: Oh yeah! It was after Carnage. I just wanted you to shut up and sleep! And you were babbling nonsense in my ear. I was so pissed off. So then I asked him to leave, but he wouldn't and was just chilling, texting on his phone. I actually threw it at the wall first, and then out the window. The next time we saw each other we were fine, though. You even came back with me that night. He used to turn up drunk on my doorstep a lot. Pat, do you remember that time you drunk-called me and we ended up just watching Jungle Book and sleeping?
Sounds nice. So how did you stop it from developing into something else?
Sam: We were both sleeping around. It kind of takes the edge off if your attention is divided.
What advice would you give to other fuck buddies looking to be as successful as you two?
Sam: Only do it with people you can be mates with. Be laid-back about it, have a sense of humor. Don't be dicks to each other. Remember: it'll be a good story one day.
Patrick: Yeah, and always keep things real with your partner. You don't want to ruin a good thing you have going just because of something silly.
MITCH AND STEPHANIE
So how did you two meet?
Mitch: We first met in a group interview for a position at a facilities management company. There were a few roles available at the same level. We both ended up being successful. Steph was the only other young one in the interview, so we became friends pretty quickly.
Stephanie: And he always had extra food for me to eat at lunch time. His mom made amazing food for him.
Mitch: The first time we banged was at the staff Christmas party.
Stephanie: We fucked in the janitor's closet.
Mitch: With 150 corporate managers only 20 meters (about 65 feet) away in the next room.
Stephanie: I banged my head on the sink.
Mitch: It got messy.
So what happened the following morning? Or maybe it wasn't really a morning—more like an evening that carried on?
Mitch: Yeah, we went out to a club afterwards. For the remainder of the night we thought it was hilarious.
Stephanie: And still do!
Mitch: We talked about it maybe a couple of days after and just agreed it was gonna be a one-off. But we ended up having sex again a few months later.
Just the once?
Mitch: Yeah, one more time. Well, it was like eight times that night.
Wow. Good effort, guys.
Mitch: Yeah, we stayed up all night having sex. It was a marathon. We got it out of our system, for sure.
Stephanie: I think we both called in sick to work the next day?
Mitch: Yeah, we did actually!
Stephanie: I think we fucked another two times in the morning, then I dropped you home.
Beautiful. So did either of you develop feelings for each other at all?
Stephanie: Only for his mom's cooking.
Mitch: Not even close for me.
Stephanie: Nah. I was always "seeing" someone.
Who were you seeing?
Stephanie: Some cunt.
I see. So did it ever get awkward at all?
Mitch: Nah, not awkward at all—we still saw each other every day at work. Our work productivity even went up!
Stephanie: Mitch got promoted. I was a good motivator; I believed in his abilities to get the job done.
So how did you avoid it getting messy emotionally and physically? I mean, it sounds like it got messy physically anyway.
Mitch: Yeah, the sex was actually pretty wild.
But how did you keep it casual?
Mitch: I'm letting Steph answer this one.
Stephanie: We were 20 and 21 when we first fucked. I still wanted to fuck other people. So did he. We actually used to Tinder for each other at work and try to hook each other up with other people. It was never a serious thing that would ever eventuate to anything. And, to be honest, I enjoy sex too much to be tied down to one person.
So if you had any advice to budding fuck buddies, what would it be?
Mitch: Cheeky and funny sex is great when it happens. No need to regret it, because in the end you did just get laid.
Stephanie: And, if you can, do it in a janitor's closet—it helps with the clean up.
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Photo: Lauri Väin, via