Welcome back to the only internet column that is guaranteed to put you in a deep state of depression for weeks at a time. I’ll be ranking news stories on a scale of 1 to RACIST, with “1” being the least racist, and “racist” being the most racist. “I...
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“I got 99 problems, but a racially sensitive world ain’t one.” Welcome back to the only internet column that is guaranteed to put you in a deep state of depression for weeks at a time. With the assistance of my friends at the @YesYoureRacist Twitter account, I’ll be ranking news stories on a scale of 1 to RACIST, with “1” being the least racist, and “racist” being the most racist.
- Some days, when I’m feeling lonely, I do a Google search for “Clarence Thomas” and hope something terrible shows up in the results. Today, I felt like the luckiest boy in the world when this showed up on my computer:
Q: Did you ever expect to see an African American president during your lifetime?
THOMAS: Oh yeah, I guess I’ve always thought there would be black coaches, heads of universities—maybe again as I said I’m naïve but the thing I always knew is that it would have to be a black president who was approved by the elites and the media because anybody that they didn’t agree with, they would take apart. And that will happen with virtually—you pick your person, any black person who says something that is not the prescribed things that they expect from a black person will be picked apart. You can pick anybody, don’t pick me, pick anyone who has decided not to go along with it; there’s a price to pay. So, I always assumed it would be somebody the media had to agree with.
Allow me to translate into Human, from Thomas’s native robot language. He means to say, “Obama is only president because white, liberal (probably Jewish) media barons in New York and Los Angeles allowed it, not because he deserves it.” Yes, there is such a thing as being a black racist. If you don’t believe me, spend more time googling “Clarence Thomas.” 7
- A Glendale, California, city councilman named Zarah Sinanyan is apologizing for his five-year-old YouTube comments filled with racist and sexist slurs. In one comment, he said unruly and disrespectful youth “learn from Mexicans, and their parents give zero guidance to their kids, because a lot of them are lowlives themselves.” Sinanyan initially denied the comments were his, then tried to claim that a political rival was setting him up, before finally apologizing when it was clear he could no longer deny responsibility. Ah yes, the old Anthony Weiner defense. Remember kids, the internet is forever! RACIST
-Barry West, a "commissioner” (if you know what that is, please email me) for some backwater town called Coffee County, Tennessee, posted this gem to his Facebook page:
People were all like, “WTF?” and Barry was all like, “LOL, JK,” and more people were like, “Hm,” and Barry was all, “I’m prejudiced against anyone who’s trying to tear down this country, Muslims, Mexicans, anybody,” then I was like, “Fuck you, Barry West, you ignorant son of a bitch.” 10
- Rochelle, Georgia, the town that recently had its first-ever racially integrated high school prom, just can’t shake the whole prejudice thing. Broken, aging sewer pipes on the “black side” of the train tracks routinely spill human waste (a.k.a., shit and piss) onto streets and front yards. The “white" side of town has updated, fully functional sewer pipes, keeping the feces in Rochelle separate, but unequal. Apparently, this a violation of the Clean Water Act of 1972… Oh, and it’s also fucking RACIST
- Washington, DC, city-council members are joining Native American groups in urging the Washington Redskins to change their name to something that isn’t quite so openly offensive. Seemingly in response to the uproar, Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III (who is black) tweeted, "In a land of freedom, we are held hostage by the tyranny of political correctness.” Here’s a serious question for RG3: How would you feel about political correctness if your team was called the Porchmonkeys and its mascot was a pissed-off black guy? 4
- A group of black lawmakers walked out of the Florida General Assembly this week in protest of a white Republican (sorry if that was redundant) who was attempting to explain how Planned Parenthood is supposedly committing genocide against African Americans. “In America alone, without the Nazi Holocaust, without the Ku Klux Klan, Planned Parenthood and other abortionists have reduced our black population by more than 25 percent since 1973,” said Representative Charles Van Zant. “This is called discriminatory targeting.” Actually, Chuck, what you’re doing is called mansplaining. “I don’t appreciate anyone trying to explain what any other ethnic group’s lifestyle is and what they do, when you really don’t have any authority to interpret it,” responded Democratic Representative Barbara Watson. 7
Conservative intellectual Ann Coulter receives this week’s Ann Coulter Award for Excellence in Racism this week by claiming that all immigrants to the United States should be denied government assistance. So, no welfare, no Social Security, probably no public school for their kids, no Medicare, no breakfast burritos at the courthouse while on jury duty, no running water in their homes, and no entrance to public parks of any kind. OK, maybe I’m exaggerating her claims in a couple places, but the idea that legal immigrants should not be given the spoils of American citizenship creates something akin to an apartheid state, and if Ann Coulter is actually advocating for apartheid, then I’m going to go choke on a breakfast burrito. RACIST
@YesYoureRacist’s Top 10 Most Racist Retweets This Week [all grammar sic'd]:
Last Week in Racism: