The Academy released its list of nominations for the 2020 Oscars on Monday, and—because the foremost gatekeepers of Hollywood are, apparently, boring misogynists with terrible taste—this year's lineup is deeply disappointing. The sad clown movie got more nominations than any other film, somehow. No woman was nominated for Best Director, despite the fact that Little Women, Honey Boy, The Farewell, and about 1,000 other great movies by female directors came out last year. Only two actors of color were nominated for awards.
To make matters worse, Adam Sandler—who delivered a powerful, arguably career-best performance as Howard Ratner in Uncut Gems—got snubbed for a Best Actor nomination. As much of a bummer as that may be, there is a silver lining here. Back in December, Sandler told Howard Stern that if he wasn't nominated, he'd exact revenge on the Academy by just making the absolute worst movie he could think of.
“If I don’t get it, I’m going to fucking come back and do one again that is so bad on purpose just to make you all pay,” he said. “That’s how I get them.”
Sure, Sandler was clearly joking—but wouldn't it be great if he actually kept his word, sat down with his buddies at Happy Madison, and set to work on some complete and utter piece of shit? Something that made Grown Ups 2 look like Roma by comparison?
As unlikely as it is that Sandler goes for it, it's even less likely that he'll read this blog—but because we are dewy-eyed idealists with a tenuous grasp on reality, we here at VICE have put together a list of ideas for Sandler's terrible, no-good, very bad, fuck-you-Oscars movie. Here we go!
Sandler plays Howard Ratner again, only this time it’s a comedy, packed to the brim with fart jokes and slapstick gaffes. Howie drops his precious gem in the toilet! Kevin Garnett kicks him in the nuts—then Howie farts and throws up at the same time! The Safdie brothers return to direct, but they’re blackout drunk throughout the entirety of production.
A comedy about a soldier fighting in WWII who tries to cheer up his comrades by performing stand-up in the bunkers. Extremely insensitive.
Little Women, Littler Nicky
Back on earth, Nicky Schear (Sandler) is cast as every role in a new Little Women remake.
Adam Sandler is a hardworking firefighter who tries to win back his ex-wife by staging a terrorist attack to gain sympathy for first responders—but when he enlists the help of his three bumbling best friends (Rob Schneider, Kevin James, and David Spade), things go hilariously off the rails!
Big Daddy 2: Small Son
Adam Sandler gets CGI-ed to look like a five-year-old, and Dylan and Cole Sprouse—now all grown up in real life—play his adoptive father. It’s a shot-for-shot remake.
The Brotherhood of the Traveling JNCOs
Adam Sandler, wearing a patently offensive fat suit, passes around a gigantic pair of JNCOs between his close group of guy friends—played by Rob Schneider, Kevin James, and David Spade—all of whom also wear patently offensive fat suits. The pants are magic, somehow.
Mr. Deeds 2
Under President Elizabeth Warren, Longfellow Deeds (Sandler) must find a new way to spend his billions before the wealth tax kicks in.
The Ron Jeremy Story
Starring Adam Sandler.
The Jeffrey Epstein Story
Also starring Adam Sandler.
Punch Drunk Love 2
Sandler's character gets divorced, then moves in with three aging bachelors: a zookeeper (Rob Schneider), a middle-school principal (Kevin James), and an internet-famous conspiracy theorist with a popular YouTube channel (David Spade). Hilarity—and a touching examination of the power of friendship—ensue.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry & Gary
Sandler, Kevin James, and David Spade tackle the world of polyamory.
The Waterboy 2
Bobby Boucher becomes the first white player in the NFL to kneel during the National Anthem.
You've Gotta Be Kidding Me
A Nancy Meyers rom-com starring Blake Lively as an affluent blogger unlucky in love, who dates Adam Sandler, a farmhouse sink salesman and aspiring comic who teaches her to see the lighter side of life. The Santa Barbara home she lives in is simply stunning.
You Do Mess With the Zohan
Zohan's attempt to fake his own death goes totally awry, and the IDF throws him in an Israeli military prison for attempting to go AWOL. A heart-wrenching drama.
Good-natured but eccentric community volunteer Hubie Dubois finds himself at the center of a real murder case on Halloween night. Despite his devotion to his hometown of Salem, Massachusetts (and its legendary Halloween celebration), Hubie is a figure of mockery for kids and adults ali—oh shit, wait, this is just the Wikipedia entry for a movie Adam Sandler is actually making next year.
The Cobbler 2: Revenge of the Cobbler
A gritty sequel in which Adam Sandler, seeking to avenge the murder of his apprentice, systematically tracks down and kills everyone who had a hand in his death, using nothing but a pair of shoes. Lars von Trier directs.
Deuce Bigalow: Riggli Digglio and the Italian Gigolo
Sandler plays an ex-mafioso named Riggli Digglio who helps Deuce Bigalow (Rob Schneider) and his Italian cousin Donatello Bigalow (Rob Schneider) track down the sociopathic restauranteur Dante Stromboli (Rob Schneider), who's surreptitiously ransacking the kitchen cabinets of every male sex worker in Europe.
Kind of like Benjamin Button, only as Adam Sandler ages (which happens at a completely normal rate), his butt grows exponentially in size.
On the off, almost-nonexistent chance you're reading this, Adam Sandler: Feel free to use any and all of these ideas. Who knows—if you really crush it, maybe one of these movies might get you the Oscar nomination you deserve. Or you'll just get canceled. Only one way to find out!
Alex Zaragoza, Josh Terry, Trey Smith, and Derek Mead contributed dumbass Adam Sandler movie ideas to this post.
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