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Finding America's Next Top Xehanort

We know Sora can smile, but can he smize?

by Ricardo Contreras
Jan 24 2020, 9:40pm

Image constructed by the author

This week, we are ecstatic to welcome Gita Jackson onto Waypoint Radio! She's joining the VICE Games and Motherboard desk to write about tech, the internet, and games—and she's already fitting right in by immediately dunking on Rob. She's already written about new The Sims 4 expansion, and came on the pod to introduce us to its tiny homes and potentially deadly Murphy beds. The newly formed crew also discusses the recent Kingdom Hearts announcement, Total War: Three Kingdoms' latest DLC, and last week's Smash Direct. You can read an excerpt or listen to the full episode below.

Gita: I want to read for you a description of Tyra Banks' Modelland, and I want to think about whether or not this says more or less than what Square Enix is saying about this new Kingdom Hearts venture. Modelland is a Tyra Banks ticketed attraction, so it's a theme park basically.

Austin: Oh, kay.

Gita: Here's what she had to say about it: "From the beginning, when creating this attraction I wanted Modelland to go beyond just a place to go to, but to be a place to feel emotion."

Austin: Hmm. Okay, what's the emotion?

Gita: She doesn't say.

Austin: It is like Kingdom Hearts. It's just like Kingdom Hearts.

Gita: Can we put a Tyra, like an Americas Next Top Model world in Kingdom Hearts?

Austin: Who owns America's Next Top Model?

Gita: Yo, good question.

Cado: Bravo?

Gita: The CW, but they have a partnership with Hulu, [and] that is owned by Disney.

Austin: We can make it happen, we could figure it out.

Rob: Where is Modelland?

Austin: Where is Modelland?

Gita: It's gonna be in Los Angeles.

Austin: Of course. Not even in Anaheim? Just put it next to Disney?

Gita: No they're gonna put it next to the Britney Spears: The Zone

Austin: Wait what?

Cado: Is that a?

Gita: That's happening in a Kmart, by my boyfriend's parents' place.

Austin: Great sentence.

Gita: An old Kmart turned into Britney Spears: The Zone.

Austin: It's a pop up?

Gita: They have a terrifying Instagram filter that puts the little pilot's hat and earrings and eyeshadow on your face from Toxic.

Austin: Okay.

Gita: I highly recommend.

Austin: Toxic's a great song. Toxic is an all-time good song.

Gita: It's a fucking classic.

Austin: It's so good.

Gita: Yeah, so the Britney Spears: The Zone.

Austin: Not part of the Kingdom Hearts Experience?

Cado: Kingdom Hearts: The Zone

Austin: Not enough letters. The Zones would've been

Cado: The Zones!

Gita: I was gonna make a joke that it was gonna be Modelland but she sells it with two L's. Why would you do that Tyra?

Austin: Oh you gotta collapse that.

Gita: You gotta collapse that!

Cado: Modell. Isn't that a thing?

Gita: Or make it two words.

Austin: Otherwise it's, right or make it two words.

Gita: Yeah.

Austin: So wait, I don't have a guess from you yet Cado.

Cado: I don't fucking, know?

Austin: Is the word "heart" in there.

Cado: No.

Austin: No, is the word "chess" in there?

Cado: Chess!

Austin: Cause he plays chess.

Gita: What about key?

Austin: Key chess?

Cado: Key chess works.

Gita: Or maybe Chess key.

Austin: Chess key.

Cado: That's the other part of that tweet though is that he's–

Austin: King Shit.

Cado: Fuck.

Gita: King shit?

Austin: Yeah, that's eight letters right?

Gita: I mean, you know, you're right. When you're right, you're right.

Austin: Dark something?

Cado: Dark. Yeah, Dark Nort.

[Laughter]

Austin: Dark Nort, that's him. What is this game?

Gita: Dark Nort is my soundcloud rap name actually though.

Austin: Do you think it's a game at all? Do you think it's a visual novel?

Cado: It says experience so it could definitely be a visual novel.

Austin: Like a Mystic Messenger?

Gita: I bet it is a short movie premiering on phones.

Austin: On phones and fire tablets?

Gita: Or like an AR experience. Premiering on phones and fire tablets.

Cado: Oh they're just doing that VR shit that they did on Playstation VR!

Austin: Or you hold up over a table–

Cado: Or they they give you a print out, you cut it out of cardboard.

Austin: Well. I think you just do it with a with a tablet or a phone. Where you're looking at it and it's using the camera. You sit at a table and across from you is Xehanort, and he's playing chess with you and talking about becoming a dark lord.

Gita: Listen, they're gonna do that shit.

Austin: Yeah, I think we got it, I think we cracked the code.

Gita: That is the dumb shit that Square would waste a lot of money on!


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