Most people don't enter into relationships planning to betray or deceive anyone, yet 10 percent of women and 13 percent of men have cheated on their current partners. Why can't we adhere to our morals when sexual or romantic temptation arises? Are we just animals who can't keep it in our pants? Is monogamy unnatural?
Some scientists think variations in the gene controlling our brain receptors for the hormone vasopressin could determine how faithful we are. Others speculate that being in love sends the parts of our brains that seek love and sex into overdrive, making our passion for our significant others backfire.
But according to psychic Deborah Graham, star of TLC's The Psychic Matchmaker and author of Get Your Head Out of Your App: A Psychic's Guide to Attracting and Keeping True Love, there's something much deeper going on. Graham has been helping people find love—and break chronic cheating patterns—for over 20 years. On top of having premonitions about the future, she can read into her clients' past lives and auras to heal their relationships.
So we asked Graham about the spiritual crises that drive people to infidelity and the alternative ways to fulfill our energetic needs.
BROADLY: How common is cheating among your clients?
Deborah Graham: Fifty percent. Fifty percent of people cheat, and I'm going to tell you why they cheat: because they're not in a happy relationship. They're not with the person they're supposed to be with. So that's why they come to me. They're not whole, perfect, and complete in their lives. They're in empty, meaningless relationships, and they look for me to identify why they're cheating and how to find their life's purpose and connect them with their partner.
From a psychic perspective, are there energetic reasons for this?
One reason is that you settled, either through fear of being alone or because you thought you wanted to be with someone and jumped into that relationship too quickly, and later realized you don't have that connection. Another is that you and your partner are paying a karmic debt and have been brought together to finish something from the past... It was a relationship that you needed to be in to complete a contract from a past life, whether it is having children, helping [your current partner], or making up for hurting that person in another life.
Cheating can also be a part of a destined action through the karmic debt owed to either of the partners in the relationship. If one person is cheating in a relationship, there is a chance that the person being cheated on in this lifetime may have cheated in a past life and is now being presented with both the challenge of having the roles reversed and the opportunity to learn from their mistakes.
Psychically, we are all magnetic fields, and we are all connected. We are all energy. When you connect with someone, that is your energetic match. It brings you together, regardless of your current situation. Your gita—the intuition in your third chakra that tells you whether something's good or not —is telling you that you need to be with this person. It's an electric charge and can cause you to cheat, especially if you are already in a relationship for one of the above reasons.
The person being cheated on in this lifetime may have cheated in a past life and is now being presented with both the challenge of having the roles reversed.
What about people who are happy with their relationships and get everything they need from their partners and cheat anyway?
There's people cheating just because they like the thrill of cheating, because they can get away with it. There's no reason to jump off a plane, but you skydive because it's an adrenaline rush. It runs through your body, and it's like raising your endorphins.
Or they're cheating because they made a commitment to somebody at the wrong time because they felt pressure, and years down the road, they connect with somebody and instantly they have that connection—and that could be your soulmate or a connection from a past life or a rekindled flame. A past life soul connection offers a sense of comfort, nostalgia, and recharging at the same time. We have more than one soul mate, and the other person can be a soul mate calling and pulling you in a way that is difficult for you to understand or control. You could be in a happy marriage, and still have this pull attracting you.
People ask, Is it possible to love two people? And, yes, it is. You can connect with people in two completely different ways, which is an energy that is hard to describe—but it's an electromagnetic attraction.
Sometimes, cheating makes us reflect into our relationships and say what we have is not really bad. People do cheat because they're trying to be awakened. We have to go out there to explore to see that we are making the right decisions.
In these situations, is cheating a necessary part of someone's spiritual path? Is it ever justified?
When you're cheating, you're cheating on yourself, not on your spouse. You're not making a true commitment to yourself. You need to ask yourself, Who am I, where am I going, and what is my life's purpose? It's important to have that before you have your wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am.
But the reality is, some people cheat because they're not getting what they want and they have not fulfilled their life's journey and purpose. So my suggestion is, go out and enjoy yourself so you will settle down. And you won't feel a feeling that you have to go out there and go cheat. The best thing to do is say, "I care about you, I love you, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to make this commitment. I need to go out there and explore, and then if I come back to you and you're available and we're supposed to be together, then we'll rekindle that relationship and both of us do not cheat." But nine times out of 10, people are going to do it. It's better for you to cheat before you have a ring on your finger.
If you can understand if the magnetic pull is bringing you to spiritual pleasure... then you can see if this new person is your true partner and meant for your spiritual path.
So, don't do it, but if you have to do it, do it before you're married?
Exactly. You have to listen to your gut. I don't condone or support cheating, but if you can rise above the temptation to search for different pleasures and understand if the magnetic pull is bringing you to spiritual pleasure—you can do this through meditation—then you can see if this new person is your true partner and meant for your spiritual path.
How can we fulfill all these spiritual needs without cheating?
If something truly is missing in your life and you do not feel like you're getting it, then you really need to pay attention and ask yourself, "What is my purpose? Why am I in this relationship? Why am I not getting what I want, and why am I going out there looking for something else?"
We really have to tune into our own psychic ability. We all have it. It's not something you learn. It's something you're born with. It's all in your third chakra. It's the belly button—your own electromagnetic current running through you.
Don't feel guilty for not being able to give she or he what they need because sometimes, our contracts end. You could be at a coffee shop and have that soulmate reconnect with you. People come into our lives for a reason, and they do leave our lives for a reason. There really is no beginning and ending. There's just an entering date and an exiting date.
You need to go within yourself and not pay attention to what other people want and need from you because you're born alone and you die alone. If you don't get it right in this lifetime, you will come back and do it in your next.