What to Do When You've Just Had Sex with a Coworker
"Let financial security keep you warm at night."
Photo by Simone Becchetti via Stocksy
Lydia Faithfull is a full-time sex worker at the Love Ranch brothel in Nevada. She specializes in domination, humiliation, and good conversation. She refuses to kiss for money.
I just had sex with a coworker. I think there may be real feelings there, but I love my job and I don't want this to jeopardize my career in anyway. How screwed am I?
Do not quit your job. Even if the idea hasn't crossed your mind, you could eventually find yourself madly in love with this person. Do not quit that damn job. If this conflict of interest means that someone must resign, it will not be my friend, the letter writer.
I have made foolish sacrifices for men. Moved in with them quickly on a romantic whim. Quit high paying jobs to relocate across the country for love. Each breakup stung worse than the previous, as I clawed my way back toward financial security. I will never place myself in that predicament again. The risk is too great, and I refuse to gamble with my livelihood this late in the game.
A friend of mine recently quit her job to pursue a creative project that would further her already accomplished career. Her well paid, longtime boyfriend assured her that he'd proudly support her until the work was completed. With some trepidation, she seized the opportunity and took him at his word. Last month, he flew home to visit family and abruptly cut off all contact with her. Another woman I know has contemplated allowing her live-in boyfriend to support her while she finishes school. Why do we surrender our power like this? Why do we allow romance to interrupt our path? I believe in pursuing love, but only after we've met our own needs.
That said, how exciting for you! Ride this shit out and see where it leads. Maintain professionalism, but try to enjoy the early days of lust and intrigue. If you enjoy the thrill of potentially being caught (as I do), this could be ridiculously fun. Should your coworkers speculate, deny everything. You may find it tempting to confide in a work buddy, but no good will come of it. Better to have a confidant who is unbiased and cannot pose a threat to your good standing within the company. Let financial security keep you warm at night.
I've been living with my girlfriend for the past seven months and it has not been going well. Our relationship was great, but then she was having some money problems, so she moved in with me. At first it was supposed to be just a month, but then it turned into two, then three, and now here we are. I honestly believe that everything could be better if we just had our separate spaces, but right now we are both depressed and angry with each other. I just don't feel like I can kick her out when she has nowhere else to go. What do I do?
You poor thing. It was very kind of you to step up, but these situations almost always end badly. A month is rarely just that. Assuming you have an idea of her income, did you genuinely believe that two to four paychecks were a feasible amount of time for her to gather first, last, and a security deposit in addition to the cost of her other bills?
I've been enabled my entire life. By family, lovers, friends, and coworkers. Everyone wants to feed the junkyard dog. It's given me a raging sense of entitlement, of which I am not proud. For 12 years, my loved ones were silent witnesses to my high functioning alcoholism. On the rare occasion my drinking was called into question, I'd steamroll those who dared challenge me by hurling my successes in their face. I could charm or argue my way out of nearly anything. Even now, post therapy, I can be an impossible little shit and am seldom taken to task. This does me no favors, and I'm absolutely worse for it.
You deserve a partner who strives for independence and brings out the very best in you.
Your girlfriend is not your responsibility. You two are not married and you don't own a home together. There were no "for richer or poorer" vows taken. I propose that you plainly ask that she leave. Maybe give her two weeks, and definitely no longer than a month. She will resent the hell out of you, and I know that you don't want to hear this, but I'd be surprised if your relationship survives. If I were her, my stupid pride could not withstand the humiliation of having worn out my welcome.
If you truly don't have the guts to ask that she leave, insist she pay half the rent. Put her money aside, and once you gather a couple grand, hand it over and send her ass packing. Personally, nothing would turn me off more than having to manage someone's finances for them. Any romantic inclination I had left would wither and die.
Everyone experiences financial struggle, but after seven months she's obviously far too comfortable. Why hasn't she found a place yet? Particularly with mutual resentment brewing. You deserve a partner who strives for independence and brings out the very best in you.
Growing up in an extremely sheltered and closeted religious atmosphere left me little to no means of growth in many areas of my life. I managed to escape this unhealthy environment on my 18th birthday when I denounced my participation in it any further. Of course as one would imagine I found myself to be very behind on ideas of intimacy and the building of relationships. I was almost 21 when I lost my virginity to an escort, which led me to spend my earnings on this service many more times that year. It's something that comes to mind lately due to the fact that I'm finally finding my voice with the opposite sex. I don't regret my decisions but I'm not very proud of them either. If I soon find myself in a meaningful relationship I don't want to hide my past, but I'm scared of what will happen when I reveal this chapter in life. I would really appreciate a woman's view on this matter, especially one with experience in the field.
Wear your heart on your sleeve and tell women straight up. Preferably not on the first date, but within a couple weeks of interaction. Few things are more compelling than the vulnerability of someone who unapologetically own their shit. Yes, I'm an unflappable sex worker, but even if I weren't, this information wouldn't scare me away. Learning of it a year into the relationship might, however. Transactional sex isn't heartbreaking, but secretiveness can be. I'd wonder what else you hadn't disclosed and if you were still actively seeing escorts. That will likely be the concern of any woman you share this with. Bring her peace of mind by offering to get tested together. Sex work conjures thoughts of infidelity for many women. If monogamy is what you seek, be clear in expressing that you will not stray.
Be as courageous with women as you were at 18 when you left the church.
If you disclose this information to a romantic prospect and she responds unfavorably, don't give her another moment of your time. You don't need a closed minded partner after a lifetime of repression. Congratulations on breaking free of that, by the way. Women will appreciate your bravery and emotional honesty. Please remember that you've done nothing wrong. There's no dishonor in visiting a sex worker while single. This situation would be far more tragic if you'd never sought the companionship of an escort and continued to operate within the paradigm you've renounced. Be as courageous with women as you were at 18 when you left the church.
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